For many questioning the direction of one’s life becomes a necessary inquiry, driven by a feeling of dissatisfaction and emptiness within. Most often we combat this emptiness by looking for new challenges in our careers and when insufficient, we fill our hours in pursuit of excitement, the activity being dictated by our nature and temperament. I was grappling with a sense of incompleteness in my life.

At times I have felt a sense of deep contentment and wholeness, as I’m sure most have, for example when watching a beautiful sunset, in communion with nature. In such moments the mind is silent and another part of our self experiences the joy and sense of oneness with a larger force. This part of me I call the spirit and felt that if I could capture this joy and wonder, then the hollowness within might be dissipated.

The course ‘Science of Living’ brought me face to face with the fundamental question of the purpose and aim of my life. It did so with an intensity and precision that would not allow me to hide behind any justifications I had used in the past, to avoid the discomfort of honest self-evaluation. This essay is a continuation of the process of discovery and an unfolding of the issues I engaged with. It is a personal odyssey into my past, in order to assimilate the many levels of understanding I have gained over the years.

As I look back, I trace the search for a spiritual basis in my life. I had come to understand that, in order to achieve true satisfaction, it is imperative each of the different parts of the personality find full expression, without stunting any one part. The spiritual growth of the personality is as important to ones well being, as is the development of the intellect, the health of the body and the satisfaction of our desire to belong and be loved. We have paid little attention to the spiritual side of our nature, perhaps, because to live spiritually seemed to require a withdrawal from material life, a giving up of family, social interaction and work. It did not seem possible to live a life fully engaged in material life and pursue spiritual values, as they seemed mutually exclusive.

I explore this conflict, in search of the possibility of validating the truth of spiritual values being the basis of a complete life.

The monograph, being in itself a process, is self reflective in nature. This however did not come about without a structured study of the parts of the being, their attributes, their ability to drive and determine who we are and how we shall react in given situations.

It is not possible to cover the many aspects of Integral Yoga that have helped

me along this path. An appendix is attached to explain, briefly, the structure

of this study and basis of the exploration.

THE AIM OF MY LIFE

The challenge to define with clarity the aim of my life was the focus of the Science of Living course. While the outward goals were clear, the fundamental reason for existence was not.

As I look back many impressions take on a sharper understanding and clarity. To begin with, I wonder why some feel a deep dissatisfaction with their life despite the obvious success of ones outer life. My own life has been one of relative comfort, a good education, successful career and a wonderful family. None of these were enough, despite them I was truly unhappy with an intensity I could not fathom. Early on, in my mid twenties, I lost my sister, who was close to me in age and a good friend. My intensity, I see now, inhibited others from trying to get to know me. As a result I had few friends. The shock of facing death in its suddenness, the grief and loss overwhelmed me. Outwardly I managed to get on well after the first shock, inwardly I was in a state of numbness for years.

In order to overcome the intensely physical sensation of fear and loss I needed something else to hold on to. My first child was born soon after and I became engrossed in him and my career. A few years later another son and greater involvement in work, increasing material wealth gave some semblance of meaning to life. Under it though a constant question continued to impel me to search for greater meaning. I had for long been interested in philosophy, the study and reading of which, grew deeper and wider. Through religious texts, philosophy and the reading of Sri Aurobindo’s work on integral yoga I grew aware of myself. I began to become aware of how shaky is the foundation on which we hope to build our happiness.

All through these years there was a deep sense of anxiety and panic. In order to control this anxiety I took to meditation. Later I grew to understand that I had not truly overcome the fear of death and the loss of someone I loved. The emotional reaction was often one of clinging to what I had, a becoming possessive of the affections of those I loved, a possessiveness of material objects. Often the mind would become muddled and confused, leading to a mental ennui, a lethargic unwillingness to battle the depression that threatened to engulf me.

As I struggled to discipline the different parts of the being, I found in moments of meditation, brief glimpses of peace and delight. A sense of well being, as if my cares and worries were being gently lifted off my shoulders. The only periods in which I felt calm, peaceful and, to some extent whole and undivided, occurred in meditative and contemplative moments. I began to spend more time shutting myself away in a quiet spot to attain this experience. Around the same time my sense of hearing became extremely sharp making me intolerant of noise. The television became a battle ground, the noise made me extremely irritable and combined with my search for external quietness made me spend more time away from home, walking in gardens, at my farm and away travelling. I found I enjoyed travel and could cut myself off from the conflict and enjoy the quietness after work hours wherever I happened to be. The intrusion of family ties, the demands of running a household and a business were made more bearable with large doses of time spent alone in quietness.

This self-absorption caused an alienation from family and friends and intensified the conflict. The attempt to find time for my pursuits had become outwardly selfish. I felt the withdrawal of understanding and affection, as others around me were no longer prepared to put up with my refusal to attend to my family and social commitments in the accepted norm. On one level there was a dryness emotionally, as if normal feelings of maternal love, empathy with others, were absent. This lack of concern for others is contrary to every principle one has been brought up with, I felt guilty for not loving enough.

Alienation from family and the comfort of closeness, love and companionship of those dearest to me was a frightening occurrence. The possibility of losing the love of my children especially was a fear that stopped me in my tracks.

It was obvious that on the path of a spiritual quest I would loose that which above all else I held dear. Giving up family ties even emotionally, if not a physical separation, was unacceptable. The eternal choice had to be made to either live a life attached to family, engaged in work and social interaction or to give up and negate these attachments in pursuit of a higher meaning. I chose to close the door on the spiritual quest and attempted to find completeness in the material sphere. While I threw myself into family and work, building a home, attempting to create material comfort for all, I realized I was still searching. It was not enough. In turning away from the active and conscious search for inner peace I had only deepened the crisis.

Closing the door on my self led to an alienation from, myself. Life had to have a deeper meaning. My study thus far would not allow me to accept that it was enough to be a good mother, wife as well as a successful career person.

Vacillating between these two polarities, I realized I had truly achieved neither. While attempting to live a life of spiritual quest I had not really lived tangibly in a spiritual manner. The tug and pull of family ties had prevented me from pursuing spiritual studies and practice with a singular and single-minded zeal. On the other hand when turning away from spirituality I had not lived fully in the material world. The participation was superficial and on the surface. I never gave this way of life its due. As a result I did not truly live life with the vigor and drive that is the hallmark of a purely material life.

In search of a way to encompass both, the only option was to embrace life – this time to go from negation to complete immersion in effort, to see if there was another way of finding a firm basis and underpinning to my life. An aim for perfection became the goal, to give my best to every thing I did. In the concentration necessary to achieve perfection I found I was able to connect with a core of energy within. Surprisingly I now had a prodigious amount of energy and could handle multiple projects at once, achieving far greater results than I ever had before. The source of this energy was not only an ambitious drive to exceed my previous achievements, often it had a deeper calmer quality. I was able to recuperate and recharge very quickly. Lethargy, despondency and dissatisfaction gave way to the sheer joy of effort.

With a wider arena of work and other projects, there were also more than the usual share of difficulties and problems. There were more opportunities for conflict in interaction with the larger number of people I was now dealing with. When I was unable to solve these difficulties and surmount obstacles by sheer personal effort I would take it as a challenge and redouble my efforts. Then came a series of failures and a sense of being pitted against circumstances beyond one’s control. While this brought discernment that personal effort alone is not enough, there was a battle with one’s ego, which sees itself as the being the driver and controller of one’s actions. To understand this conflict and regain mastery, one needed practical help and guidance, which brought me back to the study of integral yoga. This study showed me the different parts of myself and through practice helped to go deeper within, to touch the inner being and guide. The inner landscape changed gradually. There were periods of deep calm and flashes of insight into the true reason for life and the necessity of this inner struggle. With great effort a little peace had been won. But this was a partial victory, knowing what was possible but unable to remain in that state, caused greater pain.

While in this state of dissatisfaction my efforts to reach this space of peace intensified to a point of acute struggle. As I look back now I can recall the attempt to wrest, as it were, for myself this peace. The search had moved from self-discovery to purely a struggle for happiness. It was another bondage.

Once again release came in the form of a disaster. This time it was my son, who was ill with an unknown affliction. The nature of the illness could not be diagnosed and he became progressively worse, unable to eat. Finally the doctors suggested we see a therapist as they suspected a psychological disorder. Through this period all my doubts surfaced with increased force I wondered if I was to blame and had caused such deep damage to his psyche. While in this agitated state in deep meditation I prayed for faith and courage to face the harshest possibilities. Strangely at the darkest point, inner peace returned. This time it had a different quality, along with the peace there was a distance, a silence, an inability to feel any thing other than this peace. The mind grew calm and the silence deepened. Freed from fear and turmoil I was able to act with clarity and find the doctors who would be able to diagnose the ailment. His journey to recovery is his story. For me it was as if the door had opened and I only needed to step through by surrendering

myself to a larger, higher consciousness.

This looking back is on one level a viewing of events as one watches a movie, a recording of facts and occurrences with detachment.

On another level I see that circumstances and events occurred as required, for the inner being to gather unto itself the strengths, knowledge and poise it needed to bring it to this point of surrender. With or with out the cognizance of the outer being the progress was made. In understanding this I found the answer to why there was the constant unhappiness and seeking. All life if seen as a search for the unifying principle which will give true meaning to existence, brings about the acceptance and a realisation that our true self is Divine in nature.

An awareness grows and one becomes clearly cogniscent of the limited consciousness of the individual ‘I’ that is simply the outer shell of our personality. Through discipline and effort one then withdraws into the inner being and begins the process of detachment from the results and effects in the outer life. Living in the material world and engaging in all activities the attitude changes to one of detachment and an inner silence and stillness grows, leaving one untouched by the turbulence of outer difficulties. In this state of awareness when the mind is still and silent, this conscious self gathers itself into a single point of aspiration and concentration, becomes aware of itself as being a part of a larger consciousness, will and knowledge. This universal cosmic consciousness is the force we call the Divine.

The goal now is to consciously live in this inmost part of myself, which is connected to the Divine, so that progress may be made with greater awareness. In the attempt to synthesize the two opposing paths I have traveled thus far, alternately negating and embracing life, the only choice is to transcend, while accepting the relevance of both. In so doing one enters another level of understanding and there opens up the possibility of uniting the two realms of the spiritual and material, if the goal be not Nirvana, a losing of one’s self in the Divine Bliss, but becoming a bridge allowing the descent of the Divine into matter itself.

I realize now that the years of emotional detachment were a necessary state, along with the psychological discomfort, it drives one to look with in. The breaking of ties in terms of the usually accepted relationships allows the space for a greater attachment to grow. Once the surrender to the Divine is made one begins to understand the true nature of love, which brings one back full circle to the ability to love again but in a wider encompassing and non-divisive manner.

The love I had for my children for example was limiting and conditional. In my expectations was an intolerance and non-acceptance of their individual nature and needs. Love in those terms is limiting, to both who give and receive, for it is normally a grasping rather than a selfless giving. Even in the sacrifices made as a parent is the perversion of selfless giving into a corruption that feeds the ego and distorts love into a bargaining tool.

There is a wider and deeper love, experienced in the surrender of oneself to the Divine. When this occurs one is aware of the largeness of the Divine consciousness which encompasses all, the good and bad. In this knowledge one learns to accept without judgement as one has oneself been accepted. The experience of delight in giving oneself in trust and faith to the cosmic being is such an enlarging one, that one is able to love mysteriously in a deeper way, without wanting to posses because we are all possessed by the one universal love. The change in the nature of the relationship with others is reflected in an easier, tolerant acceptance of their individuality.

For a rational person like me it was difficult to acknowledge these almost esoteric emotions as being other than euphoria from the release of stress, that perhaps came about in meditation. It is only when one looses that wonder of oneness and life becomes dry, terribly drab and grey and then one regains it through repeated surrender that the one is willing to accept the reality of this delight.

There is another even more empowering result of the psychological detachment, necessary for a greater and fuller engagement with and in life. The withdrawal allows t space for reflection, study and inner growth. The lack of emotion through the dry spells brings about a loss of sentimentality, liberating one from living from the emotional center. It allows one to deal with the difficult aspects of life in a matter of fact manner, without loosing energy and clarity to misdirected emotion. The most negative situations can be tackled with ease from a stance of detached, non-sentimental understanding. When to this is brought the redemption of a large unattached love, the ability to endure the most difficult of circumstances with grace becomes possible. I understood this clearly when dealing with my son’s illness. In a state of emotional detachment I was empowered and enabled to think with clarity, go through the days of hospitalization, surgery and uncertainty, with a calmness that helped him regain confidence as well.

In solving interpersonal conflicts and misunderstandings I find myself able to accept criticism without an immediate denial or justification, which opens the door to self-improvement. I am also capable of dealing with negativity without feeling threatened or disturbed. Even more dynamic is the acceptance of my criticism by others, when the inner goodwill is evident, and it dissipates negativity faster than any other force I know.

In defining the aim of my life as living in the Divine and eternal Consciousness, I have also made concrete my active acquiescence to the change in myself. The goal being the growth of consciousness means I must heighten awareness of my reactions while involved in all activity. The exercise of noting down in the reflective journal, the state of ones consciousness was very effective. While engaged in activity, as complex as the work related to ones business or the mundane such as reading, eating or bathing, one was made aware of the possibility of living in a constant state of oneness, by keeping the consciousness inwardised, focussed in the inmost self, the Psychic. This ability must be honed by constant practice, a purification of the nature through an active rejection of all that lowers the consciousness.

I found that everyday activities took on a different aspect and tenor. I have a greater willingness to hear others out. Reactions are less knee jerk and more contemplative. Disharmony caused by bickering and squabbling, tend to dissipate faster.

In my business dealings I am able to cut through to the core of the problem and arrive at facts quicker, the ability to ‘step back’ allows one to depersonalize the problem and achieve greater clarity. The growing lack of anxiety allows me to make decisions faster, without fear and doubts causing stress. On an interactive level a higher tolerance dissipates anger and irritation quicker simply because it has become physically uncomfortable to be in that state of agitation. One tries therefore to stop for a moment and in silence regain that inner connection and immediately the problem is reduced in intensity because one is able to detach oneself.

In working on this monograph and assimilating the power this attitude of surrender to the Divine, brings to ones daily life, I question the reason for the difficulty in acknowledging and accepting this influence.

As I look back I see two images. The first, when I had not attained this level of growth and saw spirituality as divorced from active life. Then it was an esoteric quest, best kept hidden. While the existence of God in terms of ritualistic religion is socially accepted as a part of life, living with an openly acknowledged surrender to the Divine is not. It makes people uncomfortable to talk of surrendering ones daily activities to a larger force one can commune with. This can only be a personal living experience. It cannot be taught, preached or learned until one is inwardly ready. To begin with I saw the relevance of yoga in seeking release from stress. I could not see how one could live spiritually until I understood the difference between a moral stance dictated by the mind and convention, and the difference in the spiritual stance that transcends differences by accepting divergent aspects as being manifestations of the same divinity. This equality is the dynamic transforming force allowing one to engage fully in life but from a different point of view.

The second image, now that I have the experience of living with this transforming and liberating force, I wonder how one could possibly hope to live a complete life without bringing spirituality into daily life. Can the endemic disharmony, division and agitation we see growing ever stronger around us be cured without bringing to the study of life and ourselves, the entirety of our being? As long as modern psychology and education continue to see mind as the highest and only intelligent, guiding aspect of man, is there likely to be a way found to liberate ourselves from the divided lives we lead? Perhaps a study of an integrated personality encompassing all aspects, the sub-conscient and subliminal and the conscient active, mental being we already know of, along with the super-conscient planes of being above the mind, may bring about the healing we look for through psychological analysis.

Back to Contents

APPENDIX

PARTS OF THE CONSCIENT BEING

THE INTEGRAL PERSONALITY

Parts of the Conscient Being

Environmental Consciousness

Outer Being Inner Being

1.Mind (mental being) 1.Inner Mind

2.Life (vital being) 2.Inner Vital

3.Body (physical being) 3.Inner Physical

True Mind True Vital

True Physical

Psychic Being

PARTS OF THE CONSCIENT BEING

THE MENTAL, VITAL, PHYSICAL AND PSYCHIC BEINGS:

These parts of the being correspond to the Mind, Emotions and Will, Body and Spirit. There are gradations and layers to the mental, vital and physical parts of our being. The psychic being, the inmost and deepest part of our self is that which is commonly called the spirit.

In understanding our self we need to study these parts, their gradations, attributes and characteristics, if we are to achieve mastery and control of our actions.

THE OUTER BEING:

Most of us are conscious, primarily, of our mind, body and emotions. Our personality is determined by that part, which dominates i.e., either the mental being dominates making us intellectual, rational and logical or we are emotional, driven by our desires and passions or mainly physical in our reactions. While one may dominate, by and large, all the other parts play their role leading to varied reactions from time to time.

It is this outer being we normally assume to be the ‘I’ which reacts and to which things are done.

THE INNER BEING:

With constant observation we discover the source of our actions and realise that behind the outer shell there is another layer of our being. This inner layer is a counterpart of the same mental, vital and physical consciousness, in a purer form.

We go from the surface mind to the inner mind, which can detach itself from the constant and relentless activity of the outer mind. This deeper intelligence, with practice can control and direct the other parts of the being to a large extent.

The inner vital brings a greater energy and will, in pursuit of the higher and nobler emotions in life, like courage, endurance, honesty.

The inner physical being expresses itself through the pursuit of beauty and perfection in the physical world of forms.

With in this inner being we begin to feel a sense of peace and are able to live at a heightened level of sensitivity and refinement.

TRUE MIND, VITAL AND PHYSICAL:

Still deeper are the true forms of each being. Through observation, meditation, contemplation and an aspiration to discover the final and true self, we experience and perceive the many planes and layers with in each part of the being. In the true mind vital and physical we discover an unshakable calm, a feeling of wideness and being connected to the universal and cosmic consciousness.

THE PSYCHIC BEING:

This inmost self, deep with in, is a spark of the Divine. Individualised in each one of us it is veiled by the other parts of our being. It can however evolve into a clear representative of the Divine, leading and guiding one to a higher spiritual state.

It is around this central being that all the other parts of the being must be harmonised which is the first step towards an integrated personality. They must then surrender to the Psychic, the authority and leadership that normally we accede to the Mind.

The Mind is an instrument able to perceive and understand by dividing into small parts the vast inner and spiritual knowledge. It can quieten itself and exercise control on the other parts, making them disciplined, quiet and calm. It can not lead further as it understands only that which is apparent to its limited and divided self.

The Psychic being once evolved and unveiled is in direct communion with the Divine principle prevailing in all existence. This brings a sense of oneness and being complete, a feeling of being in harmony with all around one. It is this living within and from the Psychic consciousness that I perceive as living in God, surrendering the direction and purpose of one’s life to this inner guide.

Back to Contents

Integral Personality

SUPER MIND.

OVERMIND.

INTUITIVE MIND.

ILLUMINED MIND.

HIGHER MIND.

COMPARISION

THE YOGA OF NIRVANA

AND

INTEGRAL YOGA

YOGA OF NIRVANA

[In ascending order]

NIRVANA

Final union with Divine, ends the cycle of

Birth and death. Complete dissolution of self in Divine Consciousness.

Death as the door way to OR Rebirth to progress

eternal union and Nirvana. further along the

path of Knowledge and

love towards the final union.

. Ascending to higher planes of

Consciousness. One with and living from the

Universal Consciousness, experiencing Universal

Love. Enduring life as necessary in the progress

of one’s realization of the true nature of Man ie

-his inherent divinity. Living spiritually, dissolving the

false self, the Ego, in the real self ie the Divine self.

Aim is to become one with the Divine Consciousness.

Viewing life as a separation from the Divine & therefore

not real. Negating life & dissolving the individuality

in search of final and complete union

with the Divine.

Living in the spritualised Mind.

Realization of the truth of one’s real self as not being the Ego. Seeking Knowledge and illumination through silencing the Mind and imposing discipline, often of a harsh ascetic nature, on the body and in life.

INTEGRAL YOGA

[In ascending order]

DIVINE MANIFESTATION IN MATTER

Evolution continues with the transformations

of Man from a Mental Being to a Supramental Being.

A higher state of consciousness and another step

towards the eventual transformation of the human being

into a divine being.

The aim is not individual Nirvana, through departure

out of the world, into eternal Bliss but the transformation

of life through the descent of the Divine consciousness into

life and matter. In this Yoga one surrenders the self to the

divine influence and becomes an instrument of change.

The descent of the Divine Consciousness into the physical

being then transforms the lower nature progressively.

Loosing the essential ‘I’ in a Universal

Consciousness that sees all as emanating

from the Divine and therefore sees the

Divine in all and all in the Divine. Leads

to a complete sense of oneness and delight.

Ascending above and beyond the Mind to

a larger, wider, undivided Cosmic Consciousness.

Living from the psychic. Conscious of the true source, the Divine, surrendering Will, action and thought to the Psychic guidance. Living in and for the Divine.

Psychic

Being

Realization of the true nature of one’s self as not being the Ego.

Silencing the Mind and going within to discover the existence of the Divine within, as the Psychic being – the invidualised Divine spark as

the real self.

Back to Contents

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Sri Aurobindo: Letters on Yoga I 1995 Sri Aurobindo Ashram

Ch: Planes and parts edition Publication Dept,

of the being Pondicherry.

Sri Aurobindo: The Synthesis of Yoga 1996 As Above.

Ch: The three modes of edition

nature.

The master of the work.

The Divine Work.

The planes of our

existence.

The principle of

Integral yoga.

Sri Aurobindo: Essays on the Gita. 1996 As Above

Ch: Nirvana and works edition

in the world.

Sri Aurobindo On education 1997 As Above

And the Mother: edition

Sri Aurobindo: The Human Cycle 1997 As Above

edition

Pavitra: Education and the 1996 Sri Aurobindo International

[P.B.Saint- aim of human life. edition Center of Education.

Hilaire] Pondicherry.

The Mother: Notes on the way 1984 All India Books,

edition Pondicherry.

Andrew Harvey: The way of passion 1994 Frog ltd.

A celebration of Rumi edition Berkley, California.

Back to Contents