The earliest preoccupation of man in his awakened thoughts and, as it seems, his inevitable and ultimate preoccupation,—for it survives the longest periods of scepticism and returns after every banishment,—is = also the highest which his thought can envisa

In Se= arch of Perfection

an en= d-of-course monograph

Stude= nt: Anuradha

Cours= e: Foundation Course for Facilitators

(2005= -2006)

Facil= itator: Ameeta Mehra

(ICIS= , The Gnostic Centre, New Delhi)

Conte= nts

My Need for Perfection …………………………̷= 0;………………… 2

Living out Perfection …………………………̷= 0;…………………… 7

The Road Blocks and the Way Ahead …………………………̷= 0;.. 12

A Symphony of Perfection …………………………̷= 0;……………. 16

The Delight of Works …………………………̷= 0;…………………. 19

A Collective Perfection …………………………̷= 0;…………….…. 22

A Dynamic Aspiration ……………&= #8230;…………………………= ;…… 24

Words: 12,922

My Ne= ed for Perfection

The earliest preoccupation of man in his awakened thoughts and, as it seems, his inevita= ble and ultimate preoccupation,—for it survives the longest periods of scepticism and returns after every banishment,—is also the highest wh= ich his thought can envisage. It manifests itself in the divination of Godhead,= the impulse towards perfection, the search after pure Truth and unmixed Bliss, = the sense of a secret immortality.

Sri Aurobindo, The Life Divine, p.1

My search is for perfection. All human beings are imperfect – that I kno= w. But some strive towards perfection, some achieve a measure of perfection in their works, some excel themselves in their endeavour to create something perfect. I wish to belong to this lot.

What = tells me that my effort is imperfect? First of all, it is a comparison with others who I consider to be ahead of me in = this field. Looking at them I am always impressed by their zeal, their passion, their complete involvement in what they are doing. I have seen different ki= nds of people even within this lot – there are those who bring this attit= ude only to certain areas of their lives or activities, based on their own likes and calling, there are others who extend the attitude to include even areas outside of their personal interest and apply it to whatever they are called upon to do, but still the little daily acts might or might not be included – for instance, washing a plate, or moving a chair, etc. And then I h= ave also seen those whose every act indicates an engagement with perfection = 211; though this I have seen more as a phase in a person’s life rather tha= n a constant trait.

Thus, I am looking at three types of perf= ection:

Perf= ection in something that I love doing
Perf= ection in whatever work comes to me
Perf= ection in each and every act of life

Another indicator of imperfection or a comment on my level of perfection is the res= ult of my endeavour. But before I expand on that, I need to clarify what I mean= by ‘result’. I include not just the end product but also the feeli= ng I am left with after the work is over. At times, the end product might be appreciated by others, might seem impressive, but I experience a shallow feeling – this often happens with my evaluation of the workshops I fa= cilitate for teacher students or teachers. At times, it is just the opposite, the feedback is not very positive, yet I am quite content.

What evokes this feeling in me – of content and discontent? It is to do wi= th the sense of having put in one’s best or having been sincere to one’s own capacities and consciousness, or having made a sincere effo= rt to invoke and call down something higher to act upon the participants.=

Similarly, in a field of material action, for instance, drawing something that I exper= ience or see inwardly – there are times that I am quite satisfied with my p= oor strokes (for, I have hardly any skill as an artist), for, to me they convey that experience or that vision, even if incomprehensible to others. Here, I accept my limited skills and focus rather on the intention and if that intention carries itself through, I experience satisfaction. But the same is not true in the field of construction – there I castigate myself for = each and every flaw that shows up in the physical.

What creates this difference – in the quality of work as well as the effec= t it has on me? Essentially it is the egoistic and divisive nature of the being – seeing things as ‘mine’ and ‘not mine’. Whatever the vital chooses for me, I accept it as mine and engage with it. = The rest, even if mentally accepted as ‘my responsibility’, unless = and until accepted by the vital too, remains on the periphery of my consciousne= ss – not really worth engaging with in all sincerity. What I call ‘inner connectivity’ or ‘vision’, very often is the vital preference and desire parading as something higher.

There is another insincerity linked with it – the mental remorse at not achieving perfection can itself be a hindrance if the vital’s resista= nce to the work is not acknowledged. The remorse can be self-righteous, making = one feel that one is actually unwilling to accept imperfection and is very conscientious, but all the while, the vital has no intention of letting one move beyond the remorse and actually confront the resistance and the divisi= on in the being and dissolve it by holding it up to the light. It is not enoug= h to feel bad about something, the proof of one’s intention is in the acti= on one follows it up with.

Thus, I see that the imperfection ar= ises from:

= 1. Lack of inner connectivity – l= ack of a vision that needs to be expressed in a material form – arising from= an essential division in the being

= 2. Lack of the vital’s collaborat= ion in the work and its ability to fool the mind

The lack of knowledge/skill is only a secondary factor that the mind uses to justify the lack of perfection – knowledge and skills though importan= t, their lack is not the real cause for imperfection.

What = is the way forward?

Unless the urge for perfection becomes also a desire in the vital – and not = just a mental conviction – the road remains difficult. The true attitude, = i.e. the psychic attitude – whenever it is there (such as in Pondicherry), elicits the vital’s collaboration, but the challenge is to maintain that attitude in everyday l= ife.

Whatever be the area of progress or the block in one’s nature that one experiences, it generally comes back to this one point for me – the m= ind knows what is the right thing to be done, but the vital refuses collaborati= on and the psychic is not sufficiently in front to ensure the vital’s collaboration in daily life. Though I have not directly taken up this issue= in this monograph, I experience this as the only lasting solution for all one’s problems – all the rest being supports on the way as one gradually prepares the being for psychicisation.

I know, even though sporadic, the urge for perfection comes from the psychic – still I want to explore its specific manifestation in my being so t= hat I can understand it more thoroughly in its working and use that knowledge t= o discover ways to embed that urge even in the vital.

Why d= o I feel this impulse towards perfection?

It wasn’t always so. All through my school and college life I was quite content to put in the least effort as long as I managed to pass. I never ai= med to be the best student or to do as best as I could. My self-exertion was in= the field of morality – I had many do’s and don’ts for myself= and others, and there I not only exercised a discipline on myself but exerted an influence on my friends too. Other than that, even in an area self-chosen i= n a moment of being touched deeply by a beautiful movement of the dancer (I got= my father to appoint a private dance teacher for me at the age of 8), I did not exert myself and had longer periods of lazy and unwilling endeavour than serious self-application. On the other hand, books and my childhood heroes = from these books had a great impact on me and I would endeavour to outgrow my weaknesses and model myself on these characters.

After graduating I tried putting in practice my plans for an easy life of music, languages and travel. It was in that one year that I suddenly discovered th= is great need to engage myself in something useful and thereafter began my wor= king life. It was through work that I discovered my need and capability for hard work, good work. Gradually this need changed into a need to effectuate a ch= ange in society – my own social milieu. That brought me into the field of education and I was introduced to the self-change philosophy of Sri Aurobin= do and the Mother, through Mirambika (the school I joined for learning how to teach).

My first year in Mirambika was a new birth for me. My life now took a spiritual turn – progressively deepening over the years, although, I resisted t= he idea of ‘yoga’ for many years as it frightened me with images o= f a dry bare life, bereft of even the small pleasures of life. What really hook= ed me was the emphasis on change of nature and the link between attitudes, one’s state of consciousness and the outer circumstances. I remember expressing the need for ‘integration of my person’ in my first interview for joining Mirambika. Over the years it is this need for ‘integration’ that has taken the form of the need for ‘perfection’.

Mirambika was a passion for me and I gave myself intensely to it. I worked long hours, got involved in all aspects and engaged quite seriously in self-change. I s= till did not turn into a ‘perfectionist’ – doing everything perfectly for the sake of perfection – but my inner engagement with e= ach issue, the children, my colleagues, the future of the school, etc. drove me= to commendable levels of teaching, team work, multi-tasking, etc. Even though I can see imperfections in that work today, it was a sincere endeavour at perfection without any such conscious aim – it was a labour of love a= nd that is what gave it its specialness.

A new chapter began for me after leaving Mirambika and joining up with Ameeta= and Ritika to begin The Gnostic Centre. On 29^th February, 1996, at d= awn, we offered the first brochure of the Gnostic Centre at Sri Aurobindo’s and the Mother’s feet. All of us had worked hard for it and I received Sri Aurobindo’s blessings in a dream-experience at night. This came at the end of a sustained effort at selfless self-giving.

This was remarkably different from my earlier experiences. Mirambika evoked a hi= gher vital response from me, with the engagement of the psychic. The Gnostic Cen= tre was a sense of fulfilling my destiny – of being part of a work that w= as appointed for me by the Divine, by my own soul, my destiny. The philanthrop= ic urge that had started me off on the educational journey, had graduated to effectuating change in oneself first. But now, once again, a larger work was opening before me – but this time there was no philanthropic urge beh= ind it. It was simply something that needed to be done – something decree= d, something awaiting manifestation – an idea whose time had come. Everything seemed right about it.

It was a difficult journey for the vital and the mind, for nothing was based on preferences – neither the choice of colleagues, nor the choice of wor= k, nor the way of working. While the psychic always remained engaged, the vital disengaged often.

I think it was Ameeta who introduced the idea of perfection to me – I remember her emphasis on ‘self-exceeding’ and of ‘putting consciousness in work’ and of doing it as perfectly as possible. It evoked a yearning in me – whenever I watched her, Ritika or Seema at work, I felt quite inadequate for I lacked that intensity, that ardour. At = the same time even though I worked pretty long hours in the first few years, of= ten going sleepless for nights in a row whenever a journal issue was to be made ready (i.e. every two months), or a multimedia or an event, something kept gnawing at me that my work was not perfect.

At Mirambika I had got used to praise most of the time, people looking up to m= e. Here, I was suddenly catapulted into an abyss. Huge areas of darkness opene= d up within me and if Mirambika had been a new birth, this was like a death R= 11; at times I felt that I had turned into a monster and I could not recognize myself; with an effort I had to remind myself of who I was or had been and could still be. Praise from others was quite infrequent or conditional. I g= ot used to criticism. Everything I would ascribe to a lowness of consciousness= in myself. While in principle I still believe in it, I think I overdid it and allowed others’ comments to pull me down badly. It was difficult.

But, all of us learnt. While on the one hand was this deep sense of an inner connectivity with the work, the team, the outer natures were not connected = at all. Gradually I endeavoured for an impersonality in work, in relationships. This led me to the other extreme of aloofness, harshness and coldness, and a dryness in work. My moralistic nature now surfaced as do’s and don’ts in work and I would judge everyone very strongly, justifying my self-righteous stance as ‘sincerity to work’. This too created problems, for me and for others. And ultimately, the work too suffered.

As pointed out by the Mother in her advice on ‘using life as a mirror’, it was truly a case of getting bothered by imperfection arou= nd me, in others, for I did not have the courage to face the imperfection in myself and felt frustrated by it – so I hit out at others. This was a very different person to what I had known myself to be.

It is not that all my work was imperfect. I was very meticulous in certain are= as of my work. But it was work based on the ego – by now I had experienc= ed a difference between work done as an invocation, an offering – when thi= ngs happened, poems or articles got written, without too much interference from oneself, when one felt a higher energy, grace, consciousness upholding and intervening, and the work done by depending upon one’s own capabiliti= es. The capabilities I was proud of now seemed like hindrances. But I could also not become passive, refusing to give effect to something because I did not = or could not invoke the Grace. This was a dilemma I constantly struggled with.=

I ‘managed’ to do things well, but it did not leave me with any s= ense of growth. In special events such as the facilitation of a workshop – which happened occasionally, I did make a special effort and invoked and th= en it left me satisfied. But it also depended on how much of it I could sustain through the entire duration of the workshop. Whenever I was in Pondicherry, enveloped by the Presence of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, indrawn, spontaneously happy, this ‘remember and offer’ seemed the most simple and natural attitude to take. But back here, in the midst of work, it all disappeared very soon.

Gradually the need for integration turned into a need for intensification of consciousness, for I experienced that when the consciousness was inwardised, intense, I felt integrated. And intensification of consciousness appeared t= o be the key to perfect work. The need for perfection took shape in my being due= to my engagement in a spiritual journey. But this journey also made me redefin= e my understanding of what is perfection. This is something I will explore furth= er in the next chapter.

With reference to the extract from Sri Aurobindo, quoted at the beginning of this chapter, ‘the impulse towards perfection’ is my lever for growt= h at present.

In brief= : Imperfection in a= ction is due to an inner disconnect that occurs because of the vital’s refu= sal to collaborate in a higher life. The way forward is through an intensificat= ion of consciousness and engaging the vital’s energies in the urge for perfection.

Livin= g out Perfection

Our imperfection to= wards perfection toils,

Sri Aurobindo, Savitri: A Legend and a Symbol, p.= 623

To seize the absolu= te in shapes that pass,

To fix the eternal's touch in time-made things,

This is the law of = all perfection here.

Sri Aurobindo, Savitri: A Legend and a Symbol, p.= 108

The end of the Foundation Course retreat in Nainital this August, left me reflecting on what really was the core issue I was grappling with. Till the= n I had focused mainly on ‘intensification of consciousness’. But n= ow it was not enough to think only of intensification. What was coming in the = way? The first words which arose in my consciousness were ‘lack of self-giving’. This was not the first time this realization had come to me. I delved further. The lack of perfection in my work seemed linked direc= tly to this lack of self-giving. What was behind this lack? The answer seemed embedded in an aspect of the lower vital… perhaps, the refusal to giv= e up small pleasures?

I did not go any further. I felt a need to hold on to something concrete, something tangible, something that could be measured so that there could be outer parameters as well to indicate the measure of my inner progress. Perfection in work seemed concrete enough as presently one of the works I am involved in is construction where the imperfections and perfections are cle= arly visible – there is no fudging.

That is how this monograph emerged. But how could I write something unless it wa= s a lived experience? I did not want to consult books or mould my behaviour to = any definitions – the need was to bring forth the knowledge on this issue that I sensed within. I decided to maintain a journal of reflections and see what came up. This writing also helped me to keep the aim of ‘perfection’ alive in my consciousness during the working day, = and even at home, in family setting.

The following are my reflections on what= is perfection for me. = But these are not mere reflections – they derive their meaning from the w= ork that evoked them – therefore, I present here the notings from my jour= nal that contain aspects of engaging with ‘what is perfection’ and = ‘how can I move towards perfection’, through the day, in work… &#= 8230;

= 19^th Aug’2006

Today I noticed an unwillingness to follow-up on earth tunnel appointment. Notici= ng it I immediately forced myself to follow up. Though nothing came of my call, the people did arrive, though two hours late, and the work was done. Am try= ing to do the same with other follow-ups on construction – noticing the resistance and breaking through it.

Perfection is in immersing oneself in the moment; forgetting oneself – not in unconsciousness, but in consciousness – in an identification of consciousness with what one is engaged with. To get rid of this constant self-watching, self-weighing and judging, self-awareness that binds one to self. This focus on the outer self and identification with it has to transm= ute into a focus on the inner self, tuning into, identification with it. Only t= hen comes perfection. The skill is – has been learnt, but the eyes have t= o be inwardly directed so that only the goal is seen and nothing else – especially not the self.

This perhaps would be self-giving.

I clearly remember the time during my early teens when I experienced a separation within – a part within me= had begun to watch myself acting. It got very annoying after some time and I fe= lt a total dryness. But I just could not stop watching. There were other phases = that followed, but this self-watching never left me, except in moments where I totally gave in to the vital. Now, I do not experience the dryness, nor is = the self-watching of the same nature as earlier, but still the kind of self-immersion that I sense in some people who in my eyes work perfectly, I= do not sense in myself. The Mother has said that one must become the thing one is doing – but this is rare for me. = At the same time, now I see that when I am engaged in one activity, generally other thoughts do not bother me – I am not simultaneously thinking of other things, people, or situations. The mind is quieter than before. But o= ne has to go further in this discipline.

The connectivity with the divine and the immersion in each act as an act of pra= yer, offering – this is what would satisfy my being. In mechanical work it= is easier for me – I have consciously tried it out and experienced it – in counting bank notes when I was a cashier at the Ashram (Delhi), = in driving the car, in walking, in typing – especially when I am alone. = But the same becomes almost impossible when with others. Also, in moments of cr= isis it is easier to remember and offer but the habit of depending on one’s own abilities and feeling content with that, thinking that is what is meant= by ‘doing one’s best’ soon reasserts itself.

At the same time, there are certain movements that have begun over the last one year which I think will help in outgrowing this limiting habit:<= /span>

The movement of keeping the mind quiet, or rather quieter progressively.

Deep= er inner and higher connectivity during meditations.
Cult= ivating a slight distance from others at work.

Cult= ivating the habit of doing work silently.

Cutt= ing down on participating in unnecessary chatter at work, especially during lunch time or over tea.

Focu= sing on the work in hand, maintaining clear targets in the work diary and trying my best to keep to these during the day.

Goin= g over the various areas of work I am engaged in, gathering in my consciousne= ss what needs to be done for each to be executed well, and offering it – during our Saturday morning collective meditations, as well as otherwise in quiet moments. Doing the same before putting down targets= for daily work for the next few days.

These have not been decided by me mentally as the logical steps to achieve the in= ner state of offering in work. But I feel these will help, are helping. In fact, reading my journal and notings over the last one year, I feel that all the various imperfections of nature that came up and engaged my attention for a while, were inter-related and all helped me to arrive at this present point where my consciousness is engaged with ‘perfection’. In the next chapter, I will focus on some of these.

The retreat at Nainital reconnected me in some way to a part in me that I h= ad pushed aside for the last ten years – the part that enjoyed mucking a= bout as it liked the feel of the earth, that loved being just quietly in nature, that explored classical singing because it loved the sound of pure notes mo= re than any song. I had always pushed away these needs telling myself ‘n= o, I did not have the time, there was too much of other work’. Now I felt = ‘let me just do it and find time because this is important for my balancing̵= 7;. There was something untrue, artificial, ‘pretend’ about my busy-ness – something similar to the way I felt about certain women’s over-engagement with housework while whatever could have contributed to the= ir own growth, took a back seat. It was an attitude stemming from my ingrained morality that divided life into work and pleasure. I just began.=

= 20.8.06

Today Sunaina and I started making a vegetable patch at the Centre. The first step was to mark out the shape as the Mother’s symbol. We worked out the dimensions, the proportions and drew it on the ground. We marked the outerm= ost circle first and then the inner ones. Then we started segmenting the circles into petals. This time we began from the centre outwards. By the time we finished doing the four petals of the inner circle and six petals of the ou= ter one, we figured out that we had gone wrong somewhere. So we decided to re-start, this time from the outside in as we were sure of the outer circle= .

I found interesting parallels in this exercise on ground, with matter, and wh= at often happens in life. Though inner should be the foundation for the outer, often it is safer to start from the outer as one can mistake something to be inwardly perfect – the slightest psychological insincerity and one can really fool oneself. But it is difficult to ignore anything that has manife= sted in the outer and taken a concrete shape – it speaks for itself and ev= en if one ignores its message and justifies, there are many others to mirror t= he truth to us, for it is there for all to see.

In my journey to perfection, while I engage with inner levels of perfection, or rather the inner foundations of perfection in work, I would also equally li= ke to engage with the outer parameters and signs of perfection – so that= I do not fall into the same trap.

= 23.8.06

I’ve taken up gardening at the centre as I feel the need to balance myself with = some work with the hands – trying to do it well. But again it’s beca= use the vital is engaged, and Sunaina’s being there helps to keep it up.<= o:p>

The real challenge is to do the interiors of the health centre and the gym, the guest cottage really well – with quality and economy.

When I looked at the garden patch the bigger lumps of unbroken soil caught my attention and I thought that once I break them the work will be done. But a= fter doing so, the small lumps that were remaining started making noise for me. I told Sunaina – ‘See, when we’ve big problems facing us, we ignore the small ones. But when the big ones are not there, the small probl= ems appear big. So, may be, one should keep having big problems so that one is = not caught up in small things.’ But now I feel that this is also the way = to perfection. One might start with what is big, but unless one deals also with the smaller things, the work is incomplete.

= 20.8.06

I notice that there are days, like today, when I carried the ideal of consciousness in my heart and gave time to everything that needed to be don= e as well as that I wanted to do, and felt at ease doing so. The ideal of perfec= tion made me catch small movements of resistances or preferences in myself that prevented me from getting into an activity, and I consciously pushed myself= to act immediately. For me perfection lay not in perfecting each act to its ut= most – it was rather following it through till it seemed that some kind of completion had been achieved for the day and one could now switch to the ne= xt thing. So it was – from accounts to preparing the next issue of the journal to working on this monograph for the course to some e-grouping work= and then to starting the vegetable garden at the centre – mucking up and dirtying oneself. This entire rhythm gave me the sense of a perfect day.

And then at night when I read Nolini da’s definition of perfection, it ma= de perfect sense for this is what I had been feeling the last two days, reflec= ting upon the meaning of perfection.

The experience I had (as described a= bove) was much more satisfying than my earlier occasional attempts to mentally br= ing in perfection – I would try to make all my gestures perfect (walking, picking up things – slightest physical movements) to get myself into = the rhythm, but would not be able to carry it through for any length of time, w= hen engaged in work. Also, this mental emphasis on perfection would make me cut down on my scope of work, feeling that if I wanted to do perfectly whatever= I had on my plate, I better not take on more. But the experience I now had was quite different and contrary to my expectations and apprehensions.

What lay behind it became clear in w= ords upon reading Nolini da’s article on ‘The Nature of Perfection’[1]= in which he presents the idea that perfection is not the highest or utmost possible in a particular field. True perfection is a harmony of all-round growth – and harmony is not a curtailment or mutual adjustment or compromise – it is discovering the inherent unity behind all divergen= ces, all diversity. I felt that just as being a jack of all and master of none w= as one extreme, a specialized mastery that excludes other fields was another. = And none of these roads was satisfying for me.

‘To fix the eternal’s to= uch in time-made things’, to live out perfection in daily acts, the following was important for me:

To establish a rhythm of perfection in my consciousness by striving for a harmony of all-round growth rather than a uni-directional progress or endeavour.

To identify the consciousness with the work I was engaged with for that amount of time – through a discipline of quietness, inwardisation and offering, invocation.

To give attention to outer parameters of perfection, besides the inner on= es.

To encompass the whole and the parts – the big and the small things – in my engagement with perfection.

In brief= : It is the lack of self-giving that impedes intensification of consciousness. The self-regardi= ng ego has to be replaced by a living remembrance of the Mother and offering e= ach act to her. The mind has to be quiet to allow a natural rhythm of conscious= ness to engage with outer acts perfectly and wholly.

The R= oad Blocks and the Way Ahead

Oh, to be the pure flawless crystal which lets Thy divine ray pass without obscuring, colourin= g or distorting it! – not from a desire for perfection but so that Thy work may be done as perfectly as possible.

The Mother, Prayers and Meditations, May 25, 1= 914

‘One man’s perfection still can save the world’ – this line by= Sri Aurobindo is indicative of the tremendous power that Perfection has. I do n= ot know about the world, but I did experience this need tremendously when I co= uld do little in the last moments of my father’s life and felt that if on= ly my consciousness was more developed, more inwardised, more receptive to the Divine, perhaps more could have been possible through me. It brought home a little more closely the need for the spiritualization of consciousness R= 11; a little, because the intensity of the need lasted only so long as the pain= of death lasted. Then the routine took over once again. Human nature is so dif= ficult to change.

What = is it that takes me away from my own deeper needs? I don’t think I can make a list – for if I’m sincere, almost everyday I am faced with some kink in myself that needs to be straightened out. For instance,

= 29.8.06

There have been two-three incidences of having unwittingly created misunderstandi= ng through my words while reporting someone else’s comments, and people’s reaction to these. I’ve always felt absolutely convinc= ed about the accuracy of my reporting, but not so the others. A comment Ameeta made about a subconscious negativity stayed with me for it rang true. Now reflecting upon each of these incidences I see that a strand baser than what should be was entangled in these. A part of my being wanted to believe the worst. Even though the words I reported were correct – for I checked = back with the ones who spoke them – the effect I created was not. What does this point to?

This morning I felt a moment of gratefulness that I was caught in such situations – the inner aspiration for control and correctness of speech must have had a sincerity in it that drew such circumstances which ordinarily would n= ot have been remarkable, but for me acquired unpleasant dimensions so that I c= ould become aware of the subtler elements that distort understanding and speech = in my case. To be conscious of what one hears, to separate it from the negativ= ity of the other and the negativity within oneself before allowing it further expression in speech. To be conscious of what one speaks, to remove all ill-intention – even the most subconscious – and to speak only = to the extent necessary. Not to be moralistically ‘correct’ or ‘true’ but to collaborate with truth that needs to be as per a higher intention. As the Mother once said though she might know the truth, = she might not say all of it. Indeed, the moral adherence to truth can at times = be more damaging than falsehood.

So for me… conscious speech, control of speech and conscious listening, controls on listening.

Behind all the weaknesses of my natu= re I feel the presence of a great tamas<= /i>, the principle of obscurity and inertia, and a vital ill-will and smallness.= It is tamas that creates resistances in my physical consciousness, doubts in my mind. And the vital takes pleasure in disallowing progress – by insis= ting on the fulfillment of petty pleasures (watching television for instance, instead of spending the evening in-gathering and deepening the consciousnes= s), by fostering an ill-will that covers up the higher vital responses, and clo= uds the mind into negative thinking. Even though this latter aspect has lessened over the years as I have become more conscious, I still feel that there is a deeper chord in the lower vital that needs to be exposed to light. This is = what I try and do especially when I visit the Samadhi at the ashram in Pondicherry, for = I feel it is beyond my own efforts or even comprehension to fathom.

At the same time, the being responds= very quickly to any concentrated effort of in-gathering, offering.

= 26.8.06

This morning during meditation I suddenly experienced a joy – the joy of b= eing part of creating something beautiful – this in connection with the he= alth centre interiors. It felt like the joy of being an instrument – not of the Divine (that’s still far away, I feel) – but of someone who knew better than me and was sure to ensure perfection, beauty in work ̵= 1; in this case, Ameeta. Just the joy of being guided and collaborating.<= /o:p>

Then came the experience of the downward deepening of consciousness from the hea= rt centre – a channel opening up within.

And ‘The Life Divine’ reading – that too on integral perfecti= on.

And again this evening, the prayer of 25^th May, 1914 – to aim = not for perfection but for doing the Divine’s work perfectly.<= /span>

Even though in moments of aspiration= words such as ‘the divine’s instrument’ rise up in my consciousness, generally I want to stay away from them, and keep my focus on the growth and perfection of consciousness, change of nature – in ord= er to become a better human being, but more importantly, to become a channel f= or the work that needs to be done through me, in the divine’s plan. So w= hile the motivation is the divine, in my frontal consciousness I disallow this s= ense of being ‘an instrument’, as I feel, it can often lead one to insincerity, justifying one’s own preferences and behaviour and decisions. For me the measure of my ‘instrumentation’ is the perfection of my consciousness, the positive change in my attitudes and nat= ure. Till I can establish myself in an inner stance that itself is near perfect,= I do not wish to venture into these subtler realities of ‘yoga’.<= o:p>

But this has also created a problem –

I see that my focus is too much on what seems feasible, practical, logical and not sufficiently on what is decreed, what needs to be in order to replace t= he present absurdity. I bind myself by the rules of the game as it exists R= 11; a game I do not believe in myself and broke away from 20 years ago in one p= art of my being, but my outer nature is still stuck in the groove. I need to li= ve in the future more – without fearing that I’ll let go of my sen= ses, of being impractical, imagining impossible things, promising something that might never be, or simply falling flat on my face, appearing foolish. Yes, these are my fears as I try my best to be very sane, practical and reliable= . And this is the reason that I can inspire neither myself nor others.=

Shadow and light – the experie= nce is the same as for many others on the path of self-perfection. The way forward lies in a merciless sincerity to recognize the shadows, and an unflagging effort to enhance the light. In this journey for myself I feel that an outer goal helps so that I can concretely measure myself. And that’s where = the engagement with perfection in work becomes meaningful for me. A simple acti= on plan for me is:

Opening the being to the Mother’s light – especially the lower vit= al and the physical consciousness, in order to dissolve the vital’s= ill will, the physical’s tamas, and also to expose the knot of darkn= ess which is yet hidden from me.

To focus on ‘perfection’ in each and every work that I take u= p, so as to make it a living attitude in my entire being – perfecti= on interpreted as the sincere and utmost collaboration of the consciousne= ss in the work I am engaged in, with an attitude of offering and receptiv= ity to the divine. The writing of a journal at night is helpful for this, besides moments of concentration during the day.

To practice silence of consciousness in order to effectuate the above.

Yet another point helps:<= /span>

To exert myself physically to gather information, skills – whatever= is needed (for instance, surveys for effective costing when purchasing materials for construction).

Thus I see that the outer effort is = as important for me as the inner. Both are needed simultaneously. <= /span>

Already there is an experience of ‘joy’ – two days ago I woke up with this feeling of joy a= nd looking ahead to the day, as if something exciting was going to happen, something new. On the face of it nothing ‘exciting’ was planned – I had to visit a studio to fine-tune one of our multimedia, had some construction follow-ups, a meeting with a solar agency for health centre, a= nd another meeting with the electrical guys to check out the lights at the Samadhi. It was the looking forward to another opportunity to bring perfect= ion into the work – it was a very pleasant experience – showing me = how quickly the being responds to the higher impulses, and also that the discip= line of perfection can lead me to a joy greater than the petty pleasures of the vital. It is this gain that I have to now consolidate without allowing the lower me to intervene.

There is yet another aspect that I b= ecame aware of in the last few days when I went for an extended holiday with my family.

= 7.9.06

What does perfection mean to me when I’m with the family? The absence of w= ork makes me lax generally. But this time I’m more quiet, watchful of my = own consciousness. Obviously there is a division in me which makes me categoris= e my life into work, family – I have not yet experienced the truth of ‘all action is work’ and ‘all life is yoga’. Otherw= ise this question of what is perfection in family life would not have arisen. Still, to begin from where I am… For me, it is not about enacting each role perfectly – to be a perfect daughter, a perfect sister, sister-in-law, aunt. No, it is about being centred in my higher self, my de= eper being, the best of me that I can access. To deal with all situations, relationships with depth and dignity, without losing my inner connectivity = with the truth of my being. There’s also a hope to deepen the collective atmosphere. How can I do it… I don’t exactly know. Let me see… I offer it to Thee.

I remember phases in my life when I = have passionately, sincerely offered each and every member of my family to the Mother’s light and have felt the light entering each according to the= ir own nature and receptivity. And after that for a few days, weeks, sometimes after years I have witnessed something of it coming alive in the daily real= ity – in the collective atmosphere or in a particular person’s life. But of late the urge to do that is less. Only a crisis impels me to do it. = Over the years the wish to live others’ lives for them or to aspire for th= em has lessened. This has its good side and bad too. While it has allowed me to shift out of vital attachments, it has also made me accept to be a part of = the set family interaction and dynamics patterns without contributing anything positive to it, and therefore, to myself as well. This too has become a road block in perfecting my consciousness when in family. To establish the relationships on a psychic basis while appreciating the deep bond of love t= hat I share with my family – this would be the ideal state for me. Theref= ore, in my action plan, the state of consciousness while with the family would b= e a special area of focus for me – not to just cultivate detachment, rath= er to evoke a psychic attachment, concern, focus.

Indeed, to strive for all this not because one wishes for perfection for its own sa= ke, ‘but so that Thy work may be done as perfectly as possible’ – this w= ould be an ideal condition and one that I have just begun to conceive.

In brief= : The key is to experience joy in the effort rather than a mental construct of perfection – the joy of self-giving, the joy of progress, the joy of perfection.= To open the being to the Mother’s light and let it work to dissolve the vital’s ill-will, physical tamas, mental noise and predilections, is = the most powerful tool available to me.

A Symphony of Perfection

This evening there was a yearning fo= r the Mother’s words… I was quiet within and then opened the book Prayers and Meditations. It opened= on to this prayer…

&nbs= p;           ̶= 0;O Lord, for perfect consciousness we aspire…

&nbs= p;           All the being is gathered into a well-tied sheaf made of various but harmonized flowers. The will was the hand that gathered the flowers and the tie that b= ound the sheaf and it is the will that now holds it out to Thee like a scented offering. To Thee it is held out unweariedly, without faltering.”[2]

‘Perfect consciousness’ – isn’t this what my yearning for perfecti= on is all about? How simply the Mother puts so many ideas, so many pointers in this simple prayer! ‘Various but harmonized flowers’ – no= t an exclusive perfection, but something that includes the various aspects, activities, dimensions in one’s life and work – harmonized and ‘well-tied’. It is the will that has to gather these diverse elements of one’s being, life, work and it is the will that is the tie that holds them together, and it is the will that holds it out to the Divin= e, offers it. Thus, the work of harmonization, organization, offering – = all of it requires the element of will – and yet all done so gently ̵= 1; that is the sense I receive from the metaphor of flowers and the scented offering, this sense of gentleness. And then comes the most difficult thing= of all – to sustain the offering ‘unweariedly, without faltering’. A simple prayer, but with a wealth of action in it.<= /o:p>

Once again I concentrated and opened the book… to yet another prayer that seemed perfect for me…

&nbs= p;           ̶= 0;Each activity in its own field accomplishing its particular mission, without disorder, without confusion, one enveloping the other, and all graded hierarchically around a single centre: Thy will… What is most lacking= in all beings is clarity and order; each element, each state of being, instead= of fulfilling its function in harmony with all the others, wants to be the who= le in itself, perfectly autonomous and independent. And there lies the ignorant error of all the universe, a global error repeated in millions and millions= of forms. But under the pretext that these activities are separate and in disorder, to want to suppress them so as to let only Thy single Will subsis= t, which in its solitude would no longer have any reason to exist, would be an undertaking as absurd as it is unrealizable. It is easier, indeed, to suppr= ess than to organize; but harmonious order is a realization far superior to suppression. And even if the final aim were a return to Non-Being, the retu= rn would seem possible to me only through a highest perfection of the being= 230;”[3]

It is interesting that whatever I read, points me back to something I began this project with R= 11; an instinctive sense of knowing that perfection is linked with inner perfection, the sense that for me it is somehow linked to self-giving, self= -consecration, and also that the block to that lies in my lower vital. This feeling has ju= st concretized and got re-affirmed with my readings over the last few weeks. B= ut these readings have also helped me to reflect in a more focused way. In this chapter I share some of these readings and reflections on perfection.<= /o:p>

There were three inter-related ideas that I came across in readings from the Mother and from Nolini da:

Perfection is relative.

At times, imperfection is greater than perfection.

A higher perfection may necessitate the giving up of a previous perfecti= on.

Imperfection is nothing= but an interlude between two stages of perfection, for perfection is relative, = and in order to move from one level of perfection to another, often one has to = give up the previous level – the intervening period, before one acquires t= he next level of perfection, might actually be a time when one seems less than what one was earlier. When we compare the physical agility of the ape with = that of a human being, surely the ape comes out a winner. But, was it not necess= ary for the human being to give up this agility in order to develop the higher faculty of the intellect?[4]

I am reminded of a frie= nd who I often saw struggling with simple calculations. All attempts at learning s= imple arithmetic seemed in vain. Yet, suddenly I witnessed a shift. While step by step calculation was still a road-block, the right answers would come to he= r as if by intuition. A higher faculty seemed to be at work. This reflected in a mathematical intelligence in matters related to costing etc. as well – while I would add up figures painstakingly, she would name a figure which w= ould be almost what I arrived at after calculations. I could no longer judge her from my mental scale of perfection.

I find that this giving= up of a lesser perfection requires courage and also faith – faith in a futu= re possibility. Even though I know that the work should be done through invoca= tion and offering, for it to be truly effective, I depend too much on the known = and tried methods even though they are quasi-effective only. I lack patience to invoke – there is an urge to jump into action, a false belief that I = have sufficient skills. But I can also see that for this reason there are many r= oad blocks, delays, conflicts – whereas, if the work was really done as a symphony of harmony, all should go well. It is this attachment to a lesser perfection that prevents me from taking the leap into the next level –= ; it would also mean a readiness to live with imperfection for some amount of ti= me.

Giving the examples of the gods, Nolini da writes that even gods need to leave the= ir limited perfection and take birth as humans, take on the human imperfection= , in order to progress. A perfect soul, when unmixed by any human imperfection, = can only exist as aloof from humanity and can have only limited impact. It is only by participating in human ignorance and imperfection, by taking on the human nature, that even an avatar can be accessible to humanity and influence it. Therefore, at times, imperfection is act= ually a sign of a greater possibility.[5]

But, for the greater possibility to manifest, it must become a necessity in the consciousness of= a collectivity – it should acquire a greater reality than what exists a= nd ties one down. The present must appear an absurdity that cannot last, and m= ust go.[6]

While on the one hand o= ne has to accept the present and work in it, at the same time it has to be rejecte= d so that something new can manifest. The Mother explains that while one may feel that all here is the play of the Divine, it does not mean that it has to st= ay as it is – in fact, this feeling has to be accompanied by a sense of = how distorted and far away from divine perfection everything is. It is only when one feels that the manifestation is progressive and feels also one’s incapability of expressing the divine perfection, that something more is possible.[7]

Indeed when one strives= for perfection, then too one needs both these perspectives simultaneously ̵= 1; to feel pained by the imperfection that exists and the lack of perfection in oneself, at the same time to have full faith in the perfectibility of onese= lf and the work – otherwise one cannot proceed. To have just the faith, without the goad of pain that makes one strive, might lead to a fatalistic = or passive attitude; to wallow in pain without the faith will make one too bit= ter or depressed and ultimately helpless.

In brief= : Each and every as= pect of the being, each and every activity of one’s life has to be gathered and offered – even imperfection has a role to play in the journey of progressive perfection. Faith, Will and Aspiration are the aids on the way.=

The Delight of Works

The conception of o= ur work will inevitably grow more perfect as we grow more perfect ourselves; a= nd to realize this growing perfection, no effort to exceed ourselves should be neglected, but the work we perform must become always more and more joyful = and spontaneous, like water welling from a pure spring.

The Mother, Collected Works of The Mother, vol= .2, p.51<= /p>

Perfection can be, but must not be, a serious business! The more I read or reflect, the more it becomes clear that it must be like a song of the being – not a laboured effort, a delight rather. The consciousness has to grow or become self-revealed to a point where it remembers once again the joy of being and doing what it is meant to be and to do – there is a ‘rightness’ about it that escapes all thought out causes. And t= his can happen only when one lets go of the effort and opens oneself completely= so that the divine grace can make the effort in and through oneself.

This delight cannot be dependent on any particular work or circumstance – = i.e. it should not vary essentially whether I am at home, with family, or at wor= k, or out socializing. As I write this I can see and feel Nirod da’s smi= le as he sat through all our chatter or through our silences or through the st= ream of visitors, or alone quietly gazing at the Samadhi… always, the same quality of being enveloped by a Presence, that reached out and touched us as well.

The Mother writes that perfection does not depend on the scope of the work or i= ts result, nor does it depend on any external circumstance. The sole criterion= is the sincerity of one’s consecration – ‘To do what the Div= ine wants you to do, in a total consecration of the being…’[8]

In one of his aphorisms, Sri Aurobindo says that imperfection in a work meant = for one is better than ‘an artificial competency and a borrowed perfection.’[9]=

Borrowed perfection… what does it mean? The two instances that come to my mind= are – as a teenager, trying to sing in a Lata Mangeshkar voice by artificially modulating it, and trying to be a ‘loving, never angry’ teacher in my first couple of years at Mirambika. I was trying= to imitate something without living it. It did not last long, thankfully. What replaced it was perhaps not so impressive, but it was more sincere. Could t= his be what is meant by ‘borrowed perfection’? And now, the construction work which I internally know is ‘meant for me’ is a field for my limited and imperfect capacities to grow into perfection throu= gh a ‘sincere consecration’ – the word ‘total’ sti= ll frightens me!

‘Consecration’, self-giving is what I began with, and now this is confirmed by the Mother – the sole criterion for perfection is the sincerity of the consecrat= ion. I focused a little more on the knot I felt in the lower vital…

= 22.9.06

Focusing on the shadow, the knot in the lower vital, the words ‘ill-will’ (an opposition to progress) came up and seemed linked to the left side of t= he abdominal area (corresponding to the medical problem that I have faced since many yea= rs). Even the difficulties over money seemed linked to ill-will – a refusa= l to fully identify with the work, to give myself to it completely.

And when I focused on the words ‘consecration total and sincere’, w= hat came up was:

to feel the delight of works

Someone once asked the Mother what the greatest obstacle was in oneself to one̵= 7;s consecration to impersonal work. The Mother explained that the imperfection= lay in the physical matter itself – as it is presently. By the very fact = of our birth into a physical body, we take on the imperfections of the physica= l, take on all the obstacles that its very nature poses for the subtle ether of the soul.[10]

How true it is. I remember my experience on my visits to the Ashram at Pondicherry –= ; this experience was especially stronger during the early years – the first= few days I would experience a gradual slipping of masks and a sort of nakedness= of my face gradually shining through, as if a great load was taken off. Then I would feel myself to be in the Mother’s home, totally unabashed, unafraid, open, smiling – no pretence, no defence. When I returned to= Delhi, I would exp= ect the others to comment – surely my face must have changed completely! I fe= lt a different person. But no, nothing. Physically, I was the same, even though internally I had experienced, lived a shift. And then gradually, the masks would fall back in place. The physical was unable to mirror the inner self.= Its material was dense, unable to translate the subtler realities.

A second experience I remember is of gaining height on certain days – always related to the state of my consciousness. It is true that whenever I feel connected within, I notice my spine straightening and my walk becoming lighter and more graceful, but besides this gaining of inches through straightening, there was an added dimension of consciousness, which could be noticed by others as well. I notice a similar change in the physical appear= ance of certain people on different days (which is independent of the clothes or= the mood they are wearing), including my own, and see it as related to the stat= e of the consciousness.

However, generally, the transcription of the inner reality into the physical is of a= poor nature. While in my inmost being I might feel very pure, harmonious, clear,= by the time this inner feeling manifests through the physical, it has been mix= ed up with the characteristics of all the intervening layers in between – the mental, the vital and the physical. This is the inevitable law of human life and one must not feel disheartened – for, it is not an individual phenomenon, but is shared by everything that is manifested upon earth. It m= akes me feel as if indeed we are the Platonian shadows of some perfect reality, = but imperfect here.

Indeed the tamas of the physical is a great barrier in my own progress and it grips not just the physical, but the vital and the mind as well at times.

To experience the joy of consecration, the delight of works, the lightness of being, even though the psychic is the source, the vital too has an important part to play, I feel. My fear that the lower vital impulses or unchecked vi= tal energy of my being will take me away from a ‘spiritual life’ ha= s often led me to suppress the vital unnaturally. I have trapped myself into the concept of a higher life that is devoid of vitality. Therefore, now when I require the vital energy to support a higher impulse in action, the vital d= oes not come forth easily or sabotages my intentions by throwing up the unregenerate lower vital desires and impulses. The vital discipline though necessary, has not been properly understood or applied by me. This is an ar= ea that I need to explore further.

Vital’s non-cooperation, ill-will, tamas, lack of courage, false pride and egoism – once again, the list is endless. But once again, it comes back to t= he same thing – lack of consecration, self-giving, lack of a living aspiration. The rest are just layers of the same problem.=

For me the program becomes simpler…

The = way to perfection is through self-consecration, through intense aspiration. <= o:p>

The = inner sincerity will be the judge, but also delight in works and the harmony= of the process itself will be the concrete indicators to evaluate correct= ly.

If t= here is a lack of joy, there are obstacles or discord – these are indicators of a lack of consecration and therefore, a lack of perfecti= on.

In brief= : The pursuit of perfection can also be a journey of delight. The delight comes when one is alive to the experience of doing something that the divine has chosen for o= ne, and the vital too collaborates.

A Collective Perfection

… it is only = by the perfection of the soul within that the outer environment can be perfected.<= o:p>

Sri Aurobindo, Thoughts & Aphorisms, #344

The individual cann= ot be perfect until he has surrendered all he now calls himself to the divine Bei= ng. So also, until mankind gives all it has to God, never shall there be a perfected society.

Sri Aurobindo, Thoughts & Aphorisms, #328

I would like to end this monograph with some reflections on the collective as= pect of perfection – whether as a family or as an organization.=

Just as one’s own state of being creates ripples and affects others around oneself, so too is one affected by the state of the others. There comes a t= ime in one’s individual journey, when it becomes important to travel with others, even if it means slowing down one’s pace. For me the journey = at the Gnostic Centre has been such a journeying together.

I have found it a challenge to hold the two concepts together in my being = 211; that of the essential equality of all at the Centre, and that of a graded hierarchy around a divine centre. Especially in moments of personal conflic= t, this balance is threatened hugely – but it is also this dual concept = that helps me to regain my equilibrium and seek for the right action.

I know what we are striving towards is what the Mother calls ‘the government of the Supreme Lord’ –

“Liberty can only be manifested when all= men know the liberty of the Supreme Lord.

= ;           Equali= ty can only be manifested when all men become conscious of the Supreme Lord.

= ;           Frater= nity can only be manifested when men feel that they are equally born of the Supr= eme Lord and one in His Oneness.”[11]

&nbs= p;

Often I imagine what a place India would be if all could indeed keep the Divine at the centre. As I mentioned earlier, it is actually easier for me to experience this oneness, at the Centre, than at home where the emotional ties are stronger, and conflicts lesser. I can only ascribe it to the conscious engagement of all individual= s at the Centre with the principle of self-perfection in their lives, and the consciousness also of the collective aim of having an organization that is centred around a higher life. This movement towards perfection in the collective helps me to be individually focused as well – as if there = is a public accountability.

Earlier I used to feel that I am a better person when alone. I suppose everyone is. But, now I see that without this collective pressure, I could not be a bett= er person in solitude for long.

When with others, especially with those one looks up to, or in relation to the Divine, there are bonds of love that help one to move towards perfection. B= ut it is not only love, there is a pressure as well – at times through conflict, at times through insecurity or fear. While these elements of disc= ord and insecurity must not be allowed to exist, these – or rather, the memory of these acts as a preventive in taking things too easy. As Sri Aurobindo says,

“Perfect love casts out fear; = but still keep thou some tender shadow and memory of the exile and it will make= the perfection more perfect.”[12]

The times when one moves away from the Mother or from someone one holds dear, due to a fault in one’s own attitude, are powerful correctives and motivators to move back into the right attitude. E= ven the memory of that exile is most of the times sufficient to stop one from slipping into the shadows.

Often people mistake this kind of love for emotional dependence or even the fear of authority or some kind of weakness. But I ha= ve experienced it as a conscious choice to subordinate one’s ego to a hi= gher principle of truth which might be represented by a person you are in confli= ct with or even dislike strongly at that moment. It is only the fear of a spiritual exile that makes me relax my hold on the egoistic movement within= me, quieten the mind of the noise that wants to prove itself right, hush the emotions that insist on feeling hurt by the other and fault finding, and ju= st ignore all the personal clamour in order to establish the higher truth of my own being.

For a collective perfection, the most important thing is for each person to be sincere to their own perfection. Until one really feels the liberty, the equality, the fraternity of the soul, one has to still believe in it and ma= ke that a guiding principle in one’s relations with the others – f= or the perfection of the collective is as necessary for one’s own perfec= tion as one’s own perfection is necessary for the collective. And the way = for both is through a sincere consecration… … …

As I pursue my own journey of self-perfection, I find it becomes more and more important to offer the collective as well to the Mother’s light ̵= 1; the physical space, the people, the work, the future – like a flower = let it open to the divine. For the collective too, it is the inner life that determines its outer progress, and the answers for problems the organisatio= n or the group faces too have to be found in this collective inner life only. Co= nscious moments of coming together to meditate, to read something that takes us out= of our narrow shells and connects us to the future, to the divine plan beyond = us – these moments are very important indeed in the life of a collective – these are the breathing spaces for the group soul that has to be nurtured by all, and especially by those who are its trustees. <= /span>

In brief= : Collective perfec= tion not only rests on individual perfection, it also completes the individual perfection.

A Dyn= amic Aspiration

When the aspiration= is awake, each day brings us nearer to the goal.

The Mother

After writing the last chapter I thought the monograph was over – till I interacted with Ameeta over it. There was an important core that I had not dwelled upon sufficiently and it was important to include it, even though t= he work on putting it into practice had only just begun –

‘One drop of practice is better than an ocean of theories,’ says the Mothe= r. Each step that I have taken through this monograph has been like that of a step-well. Just as I feel I have touched the core of the problem, yet anoth= er depth comes into life, seeking my attention. The need to inwardise and intensify, the vital’s ill-will and non-collaboration, the need for self-giving – all bring me to yet another great lack in the being = 211; the lack of a living, an ‘awake’ aspiration. It is aspiration t= hat spontaneously engages the energies of the entire being to direct itself to a self-giving.

It is not possible to control the vital by the mind. That control is superfici= al and precarious. The only true control is through the psychic, for that just effectuates a change in the vital’s consciousness itself without even imposing it. I have often experienced this inner influence of the psychic on the vital when everything just falls into place effortlessly because a sinc= ere aspiration has evoked the urge for progress and the vital is moved to collaborate on its own – it cannot resist the warmth that fills the h= eart – the mind falls quiet and there is a joy in just being in the right energy, the psychic ether. The lever for this shift in consciousness genera= lly is the flame of aspiration. The challenge is to remain in touch with one’s own aspiration.

When I meditate, or spend quiet time with the Mother, I experience the aspiratio= n. I feel like resting in it, enjoying that moment. But soon the need to experie= nce it in action too fills me with a yearning and it is no longer enough to rem= ain in that solitary atmosphere of aspiration. Every time I go to Pondicherry for an inner rejuvenation, = after a week I am more than ready to come back, for this very reason. I have known since long that for me sadhana is through work and the greatest challenge i= s to allow the inner joy, peace, aspiration, wisdom to guide and direct the outer work.

How c= an I make my aspiration dynamic and ever-living?

According to Sri Aurobindo,

“It is the psychic that gives = the true aspiration – if the vital is purified and subjected to the psych= ic, then the vital gives intensity – but if it is unpurified it brings in= a rajasic intensity with impatience and reactions of depression and disappointment. As for the calm and equality needed, it must come down from above through the mind.”[13]

The vital intensity is important for the perfect execution of work, I have felt= . I have also experienced the vital’s impatience with the movement of aspiration itself, and a need to just jump into action without inwardly organizing oneself. The impulse is to get going, to achieve something. I fe= el I am being very true to the work in having such a drive. But a recent talk wi= th Ameeta has opened yet another dimension for me to explore – the difference between motivation and aspiration. Even the highest motivation is still not aspiration for it has a demand attached to it – it does not matter what the nature of that demand is – it can be the highest poss= ible even.

I am reminded of Swami Vivekanand’s experience of being in dire need to organize resources for his mother and Sri Ramakrishna directing him to ask = it of the Divine Mother. Not matter how many times Swami Vivekanand made the effort to do so, by repeatedly going to the idol in order to pray, the only prayer that arose in him was for self-giving.

The Mother explains the difference between a demand and an aspiration thus:

“In aspiration there is what I= might call an unselfish flame which is not present in desire. Your aspiration is = not a turning back upon self – desire is always a turning back upon onese= lf. From the purely psychological point of view, aspiration is a self-giving, always, while desire is always something which one draws to oneself; aspira= tion is something which gives itself, not necessarily in the form of thought but= in the movement, in the vibration, in the vital impulse.

&nbs= p;           True aspiration does not come from the head; even when it is formulated by a thought, it springs up like a flame from the heart.”[14]

The first step therefor= e, for me, is to distinguish between demand and aspiration, between motivation and aspiration, between desires, mental ideals and aspiration – to be very alert to the flavour these movements bring to the action, alert to the inner residue (as Ameeta put it) they leave me with – for, true aspiration leaves no residue, it just fills the being with “a feeling of plenitu= de, of force, of an inner flame”[15] – there is a rightness about it, as if it could not have been any different.

In order to make the aspiration living and dynamic, this emerges from my readings[16] as the possible action:

·        To very consciously nurture the inner f= lame of aspiration throu= gh whatever means possible – meditation, invocation, time spent in nature and beauty and silence, music, reading. In such moments it is a causeless aspiration that rises up in the being, a prayer forms spontaneously or ther= e is just a feeling of being close to the Mother, of losing oneself in Sri Aurobindo’s smile – it is a love that I experience for the divi= ne, and I know that if I could always experience this love, be totally, passionately in love with the divine, all difficulties would be naught. The= se quiet moments help me to remember that love, to let the outer being experie= nce it and become accustomed to it.

·        To consciously offer the day and its activities to the Mother (in the morning or the night before), to make time for a conscious offering = during work – before starting a particular work – to offer that work to the Mother. My experience shows that when I reach the Centre and jot down the works for the day in my diary or re-look at those that are jotted down, it focuses me. Wh= en I do this same action as a meditation – by pausing on each task that is written, holding it in my consciousness, making it come alive as if it were happening, and raising it up through an invocation, it not only quietens me= and connects me inwardly, it also gives me a greater, a deeper insight into the work and aligns my energies to it. At times, it also sets into motion circumstances so that without any other effort on my part, the work gets do= ne – for instance, the person I have been following up desperately for d= ays, calls up himself or walks into the office.

&nbs= p;           At the same time, I have to take care that this does not lead to a constant self-watching, a turning upon oneself rather than a self-giving. Once the offering has been made, the being must give itself fully to the work in han= d, rather than watching oneself – ‘Oh, am I aspiring or not?’= ;

·        There is yet another aspect of this offering which is equally important – I will make it clear with an example. There is a particular building at my workplace that is facing a major termite problem. I distinctly notice three stages in my response to the problem – the past, present and recent present of my approach to work:

1.      My earlier reaction would be to avoid tackling the problem.

2.      My present response is to move immed= iately into action, taking curative and preventive measures.

3.      My recently added response is also to offer the problem to the Mother, open up the physical space to her so that = Her light can infuse it.

But now I realise that even this is = not enough. There is a fourth step that I must take:

4.      Of adding to the offering, a quiet penetration guided by the Mother that helps me to realise what is at the ro= ot of this problem – what is its source – in material as well as subtler terms, so that my action is based on a more accurate and complete knowledge. For this as I invoke and open up the physical space to Her, I mu= st aspire for an insight that shows me what lies hidden deep within – li= ke gaining an insight into the depth of an abyss with the help of divine light= .[17]

Thus, makin= g a concentrated effort to gain a deeper insight into a specific issue with aspiration and offering as the two guiding lights is also needed.

<= /span>

<= /span>

I was quite struck= by certain parallels and lessons to learn from the actor Tom Cruise’s interview on the television recently.[18] He shared that he spends months living the character he has to enact, completely identifying himself with its life – so much so that his own identity exists no more; and when he goes for the shooting, all that work, = that research, that preparation is left aside. In that moment he is just that character and allows it to interact with the situation afresh rather than letting his own mental conceptions dictate how the character should respond= in that scene. There is no judgment on whether that response is right or wrong= , no mental evaluation of how it should be or should not be. There is a total self-giving to that moment.

<= /span>

In my work it is t= his combination that I seek – of bringing in all one’s capacities, knowledge, skills to bear upon a work in hand, yet being totally self-forge= tful and letting the moment evoke the best from me rather than trying to match t= he work to a mental ideal of perfection.

<= /span>

Though aspiration = is the key, even with aspiration the change does not happen in a day. It is the re= peated practice and inroads that one lets the light make into the areas of shadow = that take the being forward and make the change possible – from inside out rather than a mentally imposed discipline. Therefore, even if one does not = see any outer result and continues to act unconsciously, egoistically, self-regardingly, it is important not to give up this inner practice of invocation and opening the being for the divine action.
<= /span>

Sri Aurobindo poin= ts out that even with aspiration there would be intervals when it would seem that nothing is happening. To have no such intervals is possible only when one is “always inside consciously living in the psychic being.” Till t= hat stage is reached, one must prepare the mind, the vital and the physical thr= ough means that are in accord with one’s own nature and needs, without fee= ling that it is because of one’s lack of aspiration that the intervening phases occur. And it is this preparation that will allow the Force to invoke the psychic and lead one to a state where the aspiration is constant and living.[19]

<= /span>

To make the aspira= tion living and dynamic… what finally emerges for me is the need to simply= love the Mother intensely, constantly. Perfection, self-consecration, aspiration – ev= en though all these are important steps on the way and I am far away from attaining even these – within me there is a sense that finally, there= can be no motives, no aims, nothing… except for this intense love for the divine that consumes everything and yet makes everything live its true life= … …

<= /span>

“… a state higher than t= hat of adoration and surrender to the Divine, than that of devotion …; the l= ast stage of the progress is when there is no longer any distinction; you have = no longer this kind of adoration or surrender or consecration; it is a very si= mple state in which one makes no distinction between the Divine and oneself. = 230; There is no longer that kind of ecstatic surrender to “Something̶= 1; which is beyond you in every way, which you do not understand, which is mer= ely the result of your aspiration, your devotion. … When the union is perfect, there is no longer any difference.”[20]

<= /span>

The Mother outline= s the way:

“Aspire for it, want it. Try t= o be less and less selfish, but not in the sense of becoming nice to other peopl= e or forgetting yourself, not that: have less and less the feeling that you are a person, a separate entity, something existing in itself, isolated from the rest.

&nbs= p;           And then, above all, above all, it is that inner flame, that aspiration, that n= eed for the light. It is a kind of – how to put it? – luminous enthusiasm that seizes you. It is an irresistible need to melt away, to give oneself, to exist only in the Divine.

&nbs= p;           At that moment you have the experience of your aspiration.
&nbs= p;           But that moment should be absolutely sincere and as integral as possible; and a= ll this must occur not only in the head, not only here, but must take place everywhere, in all the cells of the body. The consciousness integrally must have this irresistible need…. The thing lasts for some time, then diminishes, gets extinguished. You cannot keep these things for very long. = But then it so happens that a moment later or the next day or some time later, suddenly you have the opposite experience. Instead of feeling this ascent, = and all that, this is no longer there and you have the feeling of the Descent, = the Answer. And nothing but the Answer exists. Nothing but the divine thought, = the divine will, the divine energy, the divine action exists any longer. And you too, you are no longer there.

&nbs= p;           That is to say, it is the answer to our aspiration. It may happen immediately afterwards – that is very rare but may happen. If you have both simultaneously, then the state is perfect; usually they alternate; they alternate more and more closely until the moment there is a total fusion. T= hen there is no more distinction.”[21]

<= /span>

May this journey begin… …

Anura= dha

&= nbsp;

15^th November, 2006