HOW TO MEET THE CHILD’S NEED FOR `ATTENTION’

by Deepti Priya Mehrotra

The problem and its significance

“The child needs attention”; “children do all kinds of things to attract attention”; “nowadays parents do not pay enough attention to their children” -- these are common phrases today. We have all heard, and many of us have made, such comments.

I really wanted to have a little daughter, and bring her up the best way possible -- utilising learnings from my own childhood years (learning from both positives as well as negatives). Right from the start, I gave lots of attention to the baby -- unborn, then born....

Unborn -- the process of bearing this child in my womb was an invitation to interiorising -- to connecting with the little one -- communing with her -- getting to know her already. She was always responsive! (maybe by a bodily movement, or an invisible, inaudible answer....). I also fuelled my thirst for knowledge and communication with and about the baby by reading ( literature on foetal developement, the well-being of the mother, importance of foetal experiences, and childbirth without fear...) -- and took childbirth preparation and breathing classes.... After her birth, I was extremely happy -- but also veered to feelings of depression. I realised the extent and depth of the requirements of the child. And, that the urgency of the child’s needs is such that attending to these frequently takes priority over anything else!

I find the significance of the factor of attention in that it is essential for the child’s fulfilment -- so that her needs -- bodily, emotional, mental, and spiritual -- are understood, and met.

.....It’s been nine years now, since my daughter’s birth. Reflecting over these years, I know I have tried to give attention to her needs, as while as my own. There have been turbulent times, but there has remained a strong bond between us which has supported her development.

Yet I feel the need to pay attention, at this point, to the `attention’ I give her. Attention to -- the quality of this attention; the difficulties associated with being able to provide it; its impact and significance; learning better when to give and when not to give attention; and other ways towards improvement.

I find often the attention I pay is not full. It is divided. My attention is on other thoughts, feelings, plans, the TV, a piece of music, or an idea in my head. Ita (my daughter) recognises this instantly, so she has on occasion asked me to recount what she has just said to me -- to check me out! When I am thus distracted, I feel that she herself loses confidence in what she is saying, begins to feel that it is unimportant. This brings me to realise again and again the overwhelming impact one’s attitudes have on the child. So I feel it is not fair to be distracted. Rather, it is important to give undivided attention to the child.

Undivided Attention -- What It Implies

To give undivided attention to the child implies that there be a balance within myself, an undividedness. This is very close to the concept of integrality. That is, the different parts of myself be in balance, so that I am not constantly disturbed by inner or outer factors, am able to provide calm and total attention, when required. It means that I have the ability and the will to move my consciousness to the place I want to, when I want to.

But I am not always integrated enough, undivided enough, within myself. When I reflect on my own inner self and processes, I find myself very often at the mercy of strong emotions, bodily agitation, or intense mental activity. I find that the quality of attention I pay to anything suffers, because of these disturbances. Whether I am writing, listening to music/singing, painting, listening to friends/colleauges, or playing/interacting with my child (these being favourite activities) -- there is a marked level of distractability -- of inner distractedness.

So, the first step to giving undivided attention to my daughter is to find out how to handle my inner disturbances. These disturbances stem from each of the three planes of my outer being -- the bodily plane, the vital plane, and the mental plane. How am I to calm these disturbances?

Calming Myself

The Mother has provided help and support to me on this front, at points when I have faced greater disturbances than I do at present. (When Ita, at 4, was suffering from near-wheezing, I experienced panic. I had just separated from my husband, was stressed out emotionally and physically, and would myself start feeling breathless. I wanted to be able to cope with the situation, and took to heart Mother’s advice about “pulling down the peace into one’s cells”. I would put on Mother’s music, or a flute recital, or bhajans I like, or chant hymns myself; I would soothe my own nerves and still my own panic first, and then soothe Ita. Invocation and prayer to the Mother and to the divine worked wonders. Alongside, the Ashram’s homoeopath helped. His injunctions about food helped Ita learn to use her own will to help herself get better. And, what was invaluable was my own meditation -- sessions in which I was able to find an inner place where there was rest, a great pool of love and kindness, peace and immense strength.)

I turn to the Mother often for help, support, strength. But I find I need reminders. When the urgency is great, so is the effort I put in. When the urgency is not so great, my effort too correspondingly slackens. My attention wanders, to other things -- other facets of my life -- my work in particular, and other interests, friendships etc.

At this point I am renewing my commitment to turning attention to my own inner need -- for calm, for peace, for balance. It is striking that I began with Ita’s needs, and have come around to finding that the conditions for fulfilling her needs are fundamentally the same as the conditions for fulfilling my own deeper needs. That is, I need to pay attention to myself -- my inner self -- before I will be able to pay quality attention to anybody else!

Paying Attention to My Inner Self

There are disturbances from the body, the vital and the mental that keep me distracted from concentrating on my own inner self.

To deal with these disturbances, meditation is the best way. Because when I am centred within my own deeper self, there is a quality of calm and peace, in which all the disturbances that come up can be

looked at, observed, attended to, and then rejected. The problems that overwhelm me in the course of the day often fall into place during meditation. Answers well up, a balance is regained. I feel that this is the essential quality of the inner being -- a basic balance, calm and joyousness.

This is the same as contacting my psychic. The experience I have of this is powerful, but sporadic. It is not so steady. Yet it is so powerful that I am deeply reassured about its reality, and its significance. I know this is the path I want to take -- to be in touch more steadily with my psychic self.

The Need for Organisation

Being in touch with the psychic in no way means negating the other planes of the self. Rather, the need to organise the other planes becomes very clear. If the other planes of the being are just ignored or suppressed, they rise up in a disturbing way, again and again. But if the basic needs can be organised, then there is a peacefulness and the disturbances recede. That is, there is a need to pay attention to the needs of the body, the needs of the vital, and the needs of the mental -- to develop each of these aspects -- so that they are balanced, function properly, and do not rise up in the wrong places as disturbances.

How to organise the fulfilment of basic needs of the body, vital and mental aspects of oneself? -- I find the first step is to distinguish clearly the needs from the desires/superfluities -- and, this is clarified best when one is in a calm, meditative state. That is, guidance on how to organise the outer self comes, best, from the inner self.

Organisation will include one’s daily work, interactions, physical environment, and relationships. The guidance is required at various levels, at many points. It is detailed, and differentiated. I need to pay attention to the thousand details -- and quality attention. Good organisation of the physical life then becomes a support for inner life -- freeing me from mundane details, to be able to attend to my soul-needs.

Attention to My Self, Attention to My Child

I have felt a conflict between attention to my self, and attention to my child. This is operative at different planes of the being. It is so complex -- life! I, being mother, need to attend to not only the details of my own outer and inner life, but also my daughter’s! I find the more attention I pay to my inner life, the more I get guidance for organising my outer life. And, this is immensely helpful in organising the outer life of my child. Her physical needs, vital needs, and mental needs definitely require attention. I am able to pay better attention to these needs of hers, if I am better organised. I am also able to more clearly distinguish her needs from her desires, if I have a corresponding discrimination for myself.

And, the more I have an inner calm and balance, the better the guidance and support I am able to provide to her.

I also find that when I pay more attention to my own inner self, I at the same time develop greater respect for my daughter’s inner self. There is a greater connectedness to her soul -- so the other aspects fall into place. It is like looking down at the world from a mountain top -- what is important becomes clearly distinguished from what is unimportant. The beauty, immensity and inexplicability of the whole fills one’s consciousness. And, after all, that is what the child is in essence -- and so also is the journey of `bringing up’ a child -- beautiful, immense, inexplicable, and joyous!

Attention to the Child -- Back Full Circle

Finally, the utter simplicity of the whole emerges.

There is the need to pay attention to my inner self. This will help guide and organise my outer life.

There is need to pay attention to my child’s inner self. Organising her outer life is not the gigantic problem it sometimes seems -- a disproportion assumed because attention is often going to the wrong things (the desires and disturbances) rather than to the main, the central things.

In the journey, there is need for trust -- in the child, in myself, in the cosmos, in the divine. There is need for detachment -- separation from worldy expectations, over-attachment to the child, respecting the child’s own nature, own destiny, and own path.

Immediate Steps

I have begun applying this renewed understanding in the following ways --

-- Half an hour daily for my own meditation.

-- A half-hour daily concentrated session with my daughter in which I try to be totally attentive -- calm, receptive -- to what she says, and what is unspoken but what I can sense, and understand/know.

-- Observation of my own interactions, inner disturbances, and meeting the detailed requirements of organisation of the outer life (my own, and my daughter’s); doing this with cheer and goodwill.

Reminders/inspiration

`..Awakened to the meaning of my heart

That to feel love and oneness is to live

And this is the magic of our golden change...’ from Savitri

`..It is when the true soul (psyche) comes forward and begins first to influence and then govern the actions of the instrumental nature that man begins to overcome vital desire and grow towards a divine nature.’ -- from Letters on Yoga (Cent. Ed., Vol 22, p 290).

`...it is the same with the mental and vital as with the physical causes of ill-ease and disturbance. To remain quiet within, to hold on to the faith and experience that to be quiet and open and let the Force work is the one way. -- Letters on Yoga (Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, Vol 24, p 1722).

`...What the Mother spoke of was not analysis, but a seeing of oneself and of all the living movements of the being and nature, a vivid observation of the personalities and forces that move on the stage of our being, their motives, their impulses, their potentialities, an observation quite as interesting as the seeing and understanding of a drama or novel, a living vision and perception of how things are done in us, which brings also a living mastery over this inner universe.’ -- Letters on Yoga, SABCL, Vol 24, pp 1694-95).

`...Parents, have a high ideal and always act in accordance with it and you will see that little by little your child will reflect this ideal in himself and spontaneously manifest the qualities you would like to see expressed in his nature. -- The Mother -- How To Bring Up A Child?, p 11.

`...If only you were an experienced observer, if you could tell what goes on in a person, simplly by looking into his eyes!... It is said the eyes are the mirror of the soul; that is a popular way of speaking but if the eyes do not express to you the psychic, it is because it is very far behind, veiled by many things. Look carefully, then, into the eyes of little children, and you will see a kind of light -- some describe it as frank -- but so true, so true, which looks at the world with wonder. Well, this sense of wonder, it is the wonder of the psychic which ses the truth but does not understand much about the world, for it is too far from it. Children have this....

`...This little true thing in the child is the divine Presence in the psychic...

`...all this is much clearer in the child than in an adult, for the latterhas always a mind which works and clouds his perception of the truth.’ -- How To Bring Up A Child?, p 41.

Readings During the Course (Jan 30th to Feb 20th 1999)

1.How To Bring Up A Child?

2. Living Within -- The Yoga Approach to Psychological Health and Growth

3. Right Attitude In Day-to-day Life -- Selections from the Talks of the Mother, Sri Aurobindo Ashram

4. Education Part One -- Essays on Education with Commentaries -- the Mother, Sri Aurobindo Ashram

5. Anna’s Book -- Fynn