An experiential account of a path chosen to travel alone and a study of the need for and methods to abandon and redeem human relationships in order to serve only The Divine.
Kakoli Banerjee
( Sub-project for the Foundation Course for Facilitators,2005)
Total no. of words: 2895
INTRODUCTION 3
CHAPTER 1: THE JOURNEY SO FAR
..
..
.4
CHAPTER 2: HUMAN SUPPORT VS DIVINE SUPPORT
.5
CHAPTER 3: HOW TO MAKE IT WORK
7
CONCLUSION
.9
REFERENCES
10
BIBLIOGRAPHY 11
CHAPTER
1: THE JOURNEY SO FAR
..
..
.4 CHAPTER
2: HUMAN SUPPORT VS DIVINE SUPPORT
.5 CHAPTER
3: HOW TO MAKE IT WORK
7 CONCLUSION
.9 REFERANCES
9 BIBLIOGRAPHY
10
INTRODUCTION
3
INTRODUCTION
This sub-project is a study of the need for human companionship, related problems and methods to detach and rise above the needs.
It focuses on personal
facilitation and preparing ones own self for the work ahead, with the ultimate
aim of growth in consciousness. This is a topic that has been a stumbling block
on my journey for a while and I hope to find the answers through this sub-project
which is a part of the study at the Foundation Course for Facilitators being
conducted by The International Centre for Integral Studies,
The report is broadly divided into the following parts:
- The background and purpose of my current work a brief description of an emerging pattern in relationships.
- Understanding the needs and then finding the reason and ways to overcome them so that the bigger purpose of the work to be done, is achieved.
CHAPTER 1: THE JOURNEY SO FAR
.
Being guided by the teachings of Sri Aurobindo and The Mother, like many other devotees, I have chosen to step away from a conventional life.
My motivation is my own inner growth, a psychic change of consciousness, a total transformation of nature, an unwavering faith in The Divine.
My outer work involves looking after The Satya-Jyoti non-profit Trust which intends to be a self-sustaining commune, with organic farming being the primary purpose of its existence and rehabilitation through skill based education and income generation through eco-friendly clothing being the supporting activities.
Other activities to follow will be: primary health and education for women and children, seminars for young managers (inspired by the organic farming processes), demonstrations and workshops for farmers who do not want to be conventional, visits for school children, etc.
In order to be on this path, many unnecessary appendages have dropped away on their own. Attachment to money and material needs, need for recognition/fame, friends and family who did not understand the inner calling, habits which were a crutch to lean on, all physical desires.
Although most past conditionings
have not been difficult to remove, the one movement of the lower vital which is
still dominant, is the need for affection,
attention and affirmation.
From the past not-so-successful
experiences of relationships with a spouse, a business partner and a friend
(all of who were stronger personalities than I), one can see a pattern
emerging. The tendency to give
and then expect in return.
To seek opinion and then react to criticism. To
constantly defend ones own stand and then lose self-esteem.
Psychologists may say that this is the result of a neglect of basic needs for being nurtured, protected and appreciated or even worse, of abuse where boundaries got invaded and self-expression threatened or punished.
Whatever be the reason, there now has to be a sincere aspiration to erase this need from the sub-conscious, and rise above to a level where one experiences the constant comforting presence of The Divine and feels complete and whole at every moment irrespective of whether one has a soul-mate or not.
The other aspiration is to learn how never to make the human mistakes which destroy a friendship/partnership, sustain a happy and healthy relationship and be an emotionally independent individual and not flinch if and when the human support is withdrawn.
CHAPTER
2: HUMAN SUPPORT VS DIVINE SUPPORT
Most of us are aware that human support is an illusion. It may be there one moment and gone the next. Just a look, a remark or sometimes only our own imagination, can withdraw that support. Yet we all, from time to time, seek companionship, a person with who we can discuss, trust, share burdens, share vulnerabilities, share responsibilities and provide mutual caring support.
Human relations thrive on this Emotional dependence and most spiritual practices have a common belief that one definitely needs to detach from human relationships and turn towards the Divine.
The following extract from an article by SWAMI ADISWARANANDA Apr/Mar 2002 issue of the Vedanta Kesari, a monthly e-journal of The Ramakrishna Math, describes the problem and the solution:
Humans perceive the world through the eye of
emotions. Their actions and reactions are guided by emotions. They are bound
together by the tie of emotions. Emotion is the vehicle of self-expression, one
of the basic urges of human life. When people cannot express their feelings of
love, affection, and sympathy, they feel suffocated and live a miserable life.
They are heavily dependent on receiving emotional satisfaction from others. Emotional dependence
becomes acute when they get old. As in the case of the practice of
non-attachment, practice of emotional non-dependence calls for transferring our
dependence to God, knowing that God alone loves us and cares for us. Prophets
and saints tell us that it is a mistake to expect any support from the human
world. Human love is mostly guided by selfish motives, and dependence on such
love brings nothing but disappointment. The more we are able to depend on God,
the less will be our dependence on others. Dependence on God, however, does not
come by itself. This requires deepening our God-consciousness by practising prayer, meditation, and dispassion. Those who
are not inclined to follow these practices are advised to develop the habit of
reading books, writing, painting, or playing musical instruments, etc., so that
they can keep themselves occupied, have emotional satisfaction, and be
non-dependent.
I do believe that the above is
true and to facilitate my process of detachment, I have prepared myself to lead
a solitary life in a remote location. There was a time when I feared
loneliness, but not any more. My resolution has been strengthened by Sri Aurobindos words: The inner loneliness can only
be cured by the inner experience of union with the Divine; no human association
can fill the void
To be alone with the Divine is the highest of all privileged
states for the sadhak, for it is that in which inwardly he comes nearest to the
Divine and can make all existence a communion in the chamber of the heart as
well as in the temple of the universe. Moreover, that is the beginning and the
base of the real oneness with all, for it establishes that oneness in its true
base, on the Divine, for it is in the Divine that he meets and unites with all
and no longer in a precarious interchange of the mental and vital ego. So do
not fear loneliness but put your trust in the Mother and go forward in the Path
in her strength and Grace.1
However, during this initial
phase of devoting myself to a spiritual life in isolation, I have to face the
concern of my parents, the doubts and disbelief of my siblings, the disdain and
derogatory remarks of friends. Such interactions cause an emotional drain and
one is often left wondering how best to deal with such situations. The Mother
says: you should not attempt to convince;
you should not let yourself be touched or shaken. You must shut yourself
carefully within your ivory tower of consecration and attend from the Divine
alone help, protection, guidance and approbation. To be condemned by the whole
world is nothing to him who knows that he has the approval of the Divine and
his support. 7
It does not seem so difficult to take oneself away from those contacts which pulls one back. But how does one do away with ones own need for a nurturing human companionship?
1) By being aware that this is a want which is not necessarily what I need.
Since I believe that The Mother wills everything in my life, I am aware that, for the moment, I am deprived of that specific human company as a part of the Divine plan. This is probably what I need at this point for my inner growth.
2)Keep yourself free from all
human attachment and you will be happy.- The Mother 3.
Relationships based on vital needs are prone to cause disturbances of all kinds. Only when it is rooted in the Divine and touched by the pshychic, that it can take an unselfish, noble and pure form and expression. So when one is aware that the need is arising more from a vital plane, then a conscious effort has to be made to discard that need.
3) As an outcome of this conscious effort, I have become more determined to be emotionally independent and do as much as I can alone, and let go of the rest.
It is now easier to withdraw and move on without rancour.
There is also the endeavor to do away with expectations of any kind.
4) Finally, a constant connection with The Divine helps to remind that there IS no one else other than The Divine. Every minute of my existence is consecrated to The Mother and everything that comes my way is done with Her Will. I can only aspire to be a strong individual and hope not to ever depend on anyone other than Her for anything.
Having arrived at the above methods, I am also aware of an element of being harsh with myself, of forcing myself to follow the rules of detachment in order to progress on the path of integral yoga. As guided by someone who has been through a similar journey, the regression into solitude has to be gentle or it may result in a severe reaction. Unless the evolution of the inner being is allowed to be natural and carefully nurtured to blossom into a flower, there can be more damage done than good. Hence while a sincere aspiration to detach is a pre-requisite, it is not necessary to deny oneself, the need for human companionship. When moments of weakness surface, then without any self-reproach or self-denial, the problem has to be placed before the Mother and her help sought. She will do the needful.
CHAPTER 3: HOW TO MAKE IT WORK
Shri Aurobindo gives us the following antithesis to living in solitude:
How are you going to find the right external relations by withdrawing altogether from external relations? And how do you propose to be thoroughly transformed and unified by living only in the internal life, without any test of the transformation and unity by external contact and the ordeals of the external work and life? Thoroughness includes external work and relations and not a retired inner life only.2
How can I be detached and yet share a healthy working relationship with another person who has the same vision and much wisdom to impart and guide, someone who can also be brutally critical and extremely demanding, someone who is guided by divine instincts while living a full external life.
The following are some of the methods arrived at after self-observation and reading.
Handling criticism, justified or not. Living up to expectations: The first thing to do here is to recognize that someone is unhappy with me. Most likely they had an expectation or a judgment about me and I did not meet their viewed needs. I may recognize that their reaction is not directly about me. It is not up to me to make them whole. By gaining that insight, I can more easily detach from any guilt or any self-judgment that I may have.
Having moved into this understanding, it creates a space for neutrality. It creates an ability to sit within these situations and hear what it is that the other person has to communicate. Hear compassionately what their needs and values are. It does not mean that I have to take on the responsibility of fulfilling what it is they need or value.
Having done that, I go within myself and communicate. I ask for Divine guidance and then act only under divine impulsion.
By creating this space we can now have a greater understanding of why the two of us came together in this current situation.
Once we have this clarity--before doing or promising anything-both of us can take a moment to reflect within as to how a solution can occur.
Communicate from the point where we listen to each other express solutions. It may be that we can reach an agreement and all will be well. If we cannot reach an agreement, then I can go back within myself and see if there is another possible solution.
Seeking opinion/advice/help It would be better to have some wisdom rather than an opinion, that is, to consider all the possibilities, all the aspects of the question and then try to be as unegoistic as possible, and to see, for example, in the case of an action, which one can be of service to the greatest number of people or is the least destructive, the most constructive. Anyway, even from a standpoint that is not spiritual, but merely utilitarian and unselfish, it is better to act according to wisdom than according to ones opinion.4
I seek opinion, advice and help whenever necessary but react when the response is not conducive to my opinion. Nothing can be more damaging for a relationship. While seeking the others opinion, I am aware that human opinion, however full of years of wisdom and experience, can always be only from a certain perspective. Knowing that, if I still seek to ask, then I must be prepared to listen with equanimity and then choose to accept or reject quietly without arguments or justifications. If there is no opinion or help available, then the correct attitude is to go within and find the answer.
If every action is only with Divine impulsion and no other motive, there is never a need to justify or defend. I can then stand up for my own conviction and stick to my decision without fear. The firmness and absence of fear in dealing with situations independently, cannot affect a working relationship adversely. If anything, it helps in building up confidence and mutual respect.
do not think whether people agree with you or do
not agree with you or whether you are good or bad, but think that the Mother
loves me and I am the Mothers. If you base your life on that thought,
everything will soon become easy.5
Jumping to conclusions, mental formations: The human mind is very versatile, very rich, very active and very capable of creating a lot of unnecessary noise. And as in all other aspects of our lives, it can create havoc with our relationships as well. Most of the time, we make assumptions based on our own thought patterns and beliefs. These assumptions can gradually mushroom into giant clouds of doubt and create ill-will from something totally non-existent. The best way to deal with such events is to stop the vital mind by silencing it, to remain quiet with an aspiration for goodwill. Usually, with time, we discover that it was just our mind at work and feel foolish about the inner disturbance caused by it, but even if our mental formations are based on some truth, it is best to let go in the interest of the relationship and learn from the experience.
To feel hurt by what others do or think or say is
always a sign of weakness and proof that the whole being is not exclusively
turned towards the Divine, not under the Divine influence alone. And then,
instead of bringing with oneself the Divine atmosphere made of love, tolerance,
understanding, patience, it is ones ego that throws itself out, in response to
anothers ego, with stiffness and hurt feelings, and the disharmony is
aggravated. The ego never understands that the Divine has different workings in
different people and that to judge things from ones own egoistic point of view
is a great mistake bound to increase the confusion. What we do with passion and
intolerance cannot be divine, because the Divine works only in peace and
harmony.6
The above three are some of the basic requirements which may work well to maintain a happy working relationship. They are by no means exhaustive, but if followed with sincerity, they may address a wide range of relationship related issues.
This study has definitely helped me in gaining an understanding of an ideal human relationship.
The reader should note that my search is based on seeking a psychic connection with another human, having earlier faced and dealt with other lower vital needs like desire, possessiveness, insecurity. Hence there was no need to go into those aspects.
There are a fortunate few who get to do The Mothers work and yet also have found the ideal human partner to work with, which makes it easier to live a non-conventional, secluded life, but since the Grace of the Divine is generally proportioned to ones difficulties, I feel privileged to be a very special child of The Mother.
In conclusion, one may say that any human relationship based on vital needs is not possible. To remove oneself from such situations is also not the solution. A constant connection with the Divine, with ones psychic being, is the answer. This also helps in maintaining a healthy working partnership with other humans by preparing oneself to face all odds.
1.The Integral Yoga, Shri Aurobindos teachings and methods of practice, , selected
letters of Shri Aurobindo, compiled by Sri Aurobindo
Ashram Archives and Research library. Page 341
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Aurobindos teachings and methods of practice, , selected letters of Shri
Aurobindo, compiled by Sri Aurobindo Ashram Archives and Research library. Page
334
3. Rays of light, sayings of the Mother, Shri Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry, pg 115
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Mother, Shri Aurobindo Ashram,
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Aurobindos teachings and methods of practice, , selected letters of Shri
Aurobindo, compiled by Sri Aurobindo Ashram Archives and Research library. Page
341
6. Rays of light, sayings of the Mother, Shri Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry, pg 112
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